This will be my last post on this blog – for quite some time.
I’m waiting for an appointment with the NHS counsellor, but I have no idea when that will be. But I know I need it. Desperately. I need to try and sort my head out.
This will be the last post, because tonight, I’ve done something my entire body was telling me not to do: I cut all contact with (E).
I messaged her, asked to see her, but she declined (probably for the best) and I told her via text.
I said that although my feelings have not changed for her, and never will, for us to have any chance at any relationship (friends or more) in the future, I need to cut all contact. Something I’ve never done before.
I can feel myself slipping into desperation and I know what I’ll do: I’ll grab a hold of any single slither of hope I can find and I’ll never let go.
All that will do is push (E) away because I’ll continue to be self-destructive on here.
I love (E), I don’t hate or dislike her. She continues to be the best person I’ve ever met and I will always love her for what she’s allowed me to be like.
But for me to get past this pain and anxiety, I need to see someone and find a way of gaining back the control I once thought I had over my emotions.
If I can do that, I should be able to speak with and even see (E) again.
I need to get the torturous images of me and her together out of my mind. Because as glorious as they are, they’ll destroy me.
I’ve never thought myself as someone who could suffer depression, and yet here I am in the throws of a self-depressive, self-destructive mindset. And I cannot see my way into a clearer world.
My love for (E) is so intense right now, that it’s pushed her away (because she wasn’t ready for it – her own words) and now it’s consuming me.
I want to be clear, I want to be able to live my life again, but I don’t know how right now.
I want to get my life back to how I was, for my own sense of sanity and then, in the future I can be the person (E) wants/needs. I hope. But I need to bury that because right now my own sanity is more important.
I just need to get past this panic and worry I feel over (E). I care too much for her. If we were still together, it would be normal and I wouldn’t worry about it. But when you care so much for someone and they’re no longer in that relationship with you, it’s unbelievably painful.
Anyway, I shall now take my leave. (E) has stopped reading this blog, but should she ever return in the future and see this post I want her to read the following, and know I mean it, regardless of where we are in life when she reads it:
I love you. Unconditionally. And always will. You are my heart’s owner. And I’ll never accept it back from you. I wish you all the best and truly hope, one day, we can be together again. Until that day? Know my love will never diminish. Goodbye. For now.