Ghosts

I’m desperate. But I’m a realist.

Its confusing. I want nothing more than to wake up next to (E) and cuddle until the day turns to night. To walk the coastline with her, hand in hand.

And yet, for all my dreams of scenarios like this, for all my wants and desires, i know it wont happen.

Not just because we’re not together, but because even if we decided we loved each other and wanted that? Neither of us are ready for that again. Not yet.

It’s like a maelstrom of thoughts going through my mind. And it’s painful and lovely.

I can think of (E), her face smiling back at mine as she grasps my hand. But as i smile, tears form in my eyes and water my cheeks and pillows.

I know we’re not together, i know we’re not going to get back together. But most of all i know that all my hopes and wishes for that fantasy to come true are just that – wishes and hopes. Nothing more.

I love (E), sure. But that’s not enough. I know that and can hopefully deal with that soon. 

But, in the meantime my thoughts are abducted by her face, her smile, the feel if her hands, the smell of her breath.

All the things my brain wont forget. 

Now i just have to deal with these thoughts, with the fears they stir and the worry they rain down on my life.

I hope i can get to a stage where we can be friends and me not want to grab her hand and kiss her. But i know that might take a while.

And not talking with her, whilst helping her, is making me cry. Which is the problem, because talking with her also makes me cry. 

I hate my heart and brain right now

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