Wishful thinking…

I feel as though I’ve fully reverted to how I felt a week ago: Exhausted, in pain, and tired of it all.

I’m waiting for a phone call that might not come before return to work in 11 days time (an appointment to see someone). And with not a lot going on around where I live, I’m limited to getting out and about myself.

I want to go somewhere where I won’t be reminded of (E) and the things we have done together, but in this emotional state that doesn’t leave a lot of choices.

Even the walk around my local area seems to be laden with the memories of spending time with her.

I simply feel lost. I’m not sure what to do, where to go and there’s only so much I can do here at home. I’m sick of being stuck indoors and having nothing to do, but I’m completely lost as to what I want to go out and do. If I couple that with becoming emotional and crying when I do go out, well, I just feel a little lost and vulnerable in myself.

To make me feel even worse, my mother has gone from understanding at the beginning of the week to her previous reactive state: completely ignorant to my feelings. Shouting and moaning at me for not smiling and being happy, I’ve tried to explain it but again she can’t grasp it. I don’t feel comfortable talking with her about it all because her answers are very dismissive and don’t help.

I’m truly sick of feeling low and down, I want to smile and feel happy. But I don’t know how to do that right now.

All I can think of is that hug that never will be. I wish that phone call to book an appointment would hurry up.


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