Contemplation 

I sit here, in my room, alone. 

And whilst doing so i find my brain in overdrive.

I’ve tried to avoid thoughts of (E) because the constant realisation of her not being there is low-inducing.

And im trying to pick myself up. 

I started playing on my 3DS again, in hope that playing pokemon will sufficiently distract my thoughts. It helps somewhat, but i still get an occasional wave of love just pass over me. 

Or a simple thought like “I wonder how (E)’s feeling?” 

These thoughts plague my resting mind. It’s the reason i started watching films on my laptop with headphones in. Something I’m going to start doing again.

The mere fact that i find myself thinking fervently about (E) is proof that I’m not yet ready for any scenario that would involve seeing her. I had another dream about her last night. We were friends, and I’d gone over to hers for some reason or another. And whilst i was at the shop (?) I bumped into her mother. It was awkward, i felt awkward, and whilst she was nothing but nice – i had this fear she’d start having ago at me again. I put back the stuff i was sent to get and left. As i left i woke up. At half past 2 this morning. 

My brain is not intending to let me rest gently just yet. 

I have tried to push thoughts of her parents away from my mind. It’s not them I’m in love with. I hope they have good thoughts towards me, of course, but i worry that they don’t like me because of my age.

Just another worry i need to forget about. I have no power over their perception of me. I can just be myself. And hope they like what they see. 

The way things were with (E). 

Hope. Faith. Love. Honesty.

4 things i have in abundance right now. 

Just a shame they’re not all i need right now. Where’s my balance and confidence? 😥

Addendum: thoughts of her parents have no right to be in my mind now its over. But they will.continue to plague me because i cant get issues like thisbout of my head. I’m an overthinker and i cant stop it. Sometimes, i really wish i could 😥

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