I genuinely believe I’m becoming depressed.
The more time that passes the lower i feel, just in myself.
I find myself hanging on for the little things like a message here or happy thought there. But worse than that i find myself hoping for a miracle every night.
I know it’s only natural to want that love to be returned like it used to be but wishing for it all the time is not helping.
I very much wish i could return to my recent acceptance phase. Because i felt happier in my mind. Even when full of hope.
I’ve tried rereading messages from the weekend just gone, between me and (E), but as much as i should feel at least a little hopeful, the realist in me is stopping those feelings from making me smile and feeling happy.
I genuinely wish i could handle all this better. But i also wish that damn fantasy would come true. Hell, I’d love for her just to surprise me with a visit and just hug the pain away.
But it wont happen. And know i need to deal with that. I’m just finding it hard figuring out how best to do that.
Because, in the back of my mind, I’ll always hope for that reconciliation…