That phone call yesterday seems to have undone all the hard work I’ve done recently to stow away these feelings. I was doing so well with keeping balanced.
In truth maybe I was just kidding myself because that one 25 minute phone call has unearthed all these feelings and it didn’t even take that long to unsettle me.
I suppose when I thought I had things under control, this is proof that I really didn’t. It also shows that the old saying ‘out of sight out of mind’ doesn’t always ring true 😦
I do love (E) but, more than that, I miss her. I miss talking to her like before, I miss planning dates with her, the feel of her hands on mine, and the smell of her breath after we’d kissed. I know I shouldn’t dwell on these things, that they can only lead to sorrow.
But, the truth is that I miss these things. The feel of her hands is there, in my mind. All the time.
Her smell, my body tricks me into thinking I can smell it time to time and even though I know it isn’t real, the damage is already done.
I don’t know if I’m torturing myself, or if this is something I’m meant to feel, to experience.
This love, that dwells within me, unwavering in its manner, is filling my heart with sorrow every day it’s not returned. So, I know I have to do something. But I don’t know what to do. Not feeling the love is off the table, because it’s always going to be there. So, I have to learn to live with it. And I need to be able to control it so I can handle thinking of (E) or even seeing her. I’m currently not ready for the aftermath of either right now.
No matter my current feelings, I know I still just want a hug. Nothing more 😥