A Solemn Walk

I’ve felt a little low since last night’s phone call.

In myself and when thinking about (E). Which, when combined, is almost all the time…

I find myself missing (E) more and more each day. But, more than that, I find myself feeling worse and worse every day.

My confidence in my own mind, about how I see everything, about the state of my own mind. I thought I knew where I was and what I was doing. I thought I’d found happiness.

Turns out it was all temporary. I have hope and faith in the love I feel and in hers, no matter how fleeting it might feel for her, but there’s only so far hope will take you.

I thought speaking with (E) would help and to start with it did. But the problem I have now is that when we don’t speak – the fear, insecurity, and low feelings all come flooding back.

I know that this is a natural feeling when you lose someone you love but I thought I was coming to terms with it – starting to cope and see a way forward.

Then, after agreeing not to talk with (E) until next week and speaking with the counsellor last night, it is apparent to me that my feelings were buried and are still as strong as ever. And I’m not in a place to be able to deal with them appropriately.

I thought I could get through this quicker. And it’s obvious to me now, that I’m still asking too much of myself and rushing.

I long for the touch of her hand on mine, for the smell of her to suffocate me. But that longing, the hope I know is null and void right now, won’t leave me.

I dreamt of her again last night and woke up twice. Nothing crude, it’s never anything crude, just us talking, cuddling, kissing.

It’s always just us being together. I’ll say it one more time: I have hope, that one day, sometime in the future (no matter the length of time that passes) that we get a second chance. I hope we get a chance to do this right. To ease into it at a pace we can both feel comfortable with. For us to both be ready for the love we’ll feel both emotionally, and physically.

I want to think about that and feel happy but I know it’s not a future that’s assured and it scares me to think we may never be together again. So, it just fills me with more sorrow.

I hope the counselling I’m getting will help me control these feelings, and help me get past this depression that’s falling over me and my mind. I hope for that more than anything right now.

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