I feel damaged…

I don’t even know where to start. I had

I had the phone call from the counsellor earlier. It was a simple question-answer session, I assume for them to determine my mental state.

I think it was obvious quite quickly that my mental state is not good. I was nervous and anxious before the phone call, mainly due to me having to talk about everything.

So, during the phone call, I was determined to stay as balanced as possible. I answered all questions honestly and, doing that, I lasted about 30-40 seconds before getting upset. I got through the data protection stuff without a hiccup. But when the lady asked me to tell her a bit about why I was referred I cracked and started to tear up. Turns out thinking and talking about my issues is just as upsetting, if not more, than just thinking about them!

The lady on the phone was nice, she said it was ok to be upset and that as hard as it was to speak about it all I should be honest with her. I did just that, probably sounding like a kid lost in a supermarket from that point onwards… I got through that and then there were questions with multiple choice answers. I didn’t realise quite how bad I felt until I answered those. Almost all the answers were on the high end of the scale! And that was a little upsetting to admit.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so emotional in my life, with the exception of work last week.

I now have to wait for a phone call that issues me a date and time for an appointment – at which point I’ll get to go and see someone. I hope the wait is not too long because I want to start getting better ASAP.

Anyway, I’m all over the place tonight, I’ve eaten dinner, but I’m sat here on my bed typing this knowing it won’t take much to set me off. I’m going to start spending a few minutes every night by my window. The sound of waves crashing on the shore is surprisingly calming. And it’s too cold to be out for too long at the moment.

I know that it’s part of the fantasy I mentioned previously but, as much as I want that to come true, I just need some time to relax and chill. Even if it’s just 5-10 minutes. I’m going to try and do that at 8pm every night. That way I have a routine and can look forward to the chillout.

I just want to feel better in myself and not be so upset and emotional. If I still cannot think about being with (E) without tearing up, then I’m not ready to see her again. And  all I want, more than anything right now, is to see her again.


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