Right in front of you…

Today. What can I say about today?

I was feeling ok this morning, so I read the surprise I made for (E).

I don’t think it was a mistake. I was home alone, so I had complete control over my surroundings and there was no chance of confrontation with my family (who all think I should just not bother with anything and ‘get over it already’). I love my family but they simply don’t understand how I feel. And I know no amount of explanation will make them understand. So I just don’t bother.

So, I read through and edited the entire thing. There were 4 edits (my stupid imperfection strikes again). And with them complete, my tears held in check, and my emotions held together, I moved on with my day…

And, I wish it had stayed like that. I managed to move through the day well enough. Until I started listening to that song from John Wick. Ever since I listened to it I’ve had (E) on my mind. Solely (E).

The lyrics play on my mind and their meaning, to me personally, torture my mind.

As a serial overthinker, I can’t just shut off these thoughts. And I can’t quiet them just yet. Not because I want them, but because they’re so loud in my head.

When the thing you want more than anything else in this world, is neither in your control nor something materialistic, it is frustrating when you can’t just reach out and touch it.

I wrote, a little while back, about that fantasy I have where I’m leaning out of my bedroom window, listening to the waves crashing on the shore (a mere 50 metres from my house) and I hear (E) call my name. When I look down, tears streaming down my face, she smiles at me and simply says “Hey!”…

I rush downstairs, coat and shoes on, open the door and just stand there, pinching myself, “is this real?” I say to myself. She holds out her hand and I do the same. We hug. And it’s breathtaking. We’re both crying at this point: I cry, so she cries, so I cry more (an ever expanding vicious circle).

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We go for a walk and everything, just for this night, is perfect again. We both know it won’t last, it simply can’t right now (for either of us) but right there, in that moment, we’re both happy.

I hold onto that fantasy because I wish it to be true every night. It won’t come true, I know that. But in my mind, every day and every night, I live it. I shut my eyes and I can transport myself to her side.

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We can go for walks along the seafront, through the countryside, along ice-white cliff-tops, across alien worlds, and even dancing in the sunken gardens.

This is not good for me. I’m fully aware of that. But sometimes, I just need to be with her, even if it’s just in my mind. Because I miss her and I know, some days, she misses me too.

I’ve been doing rather well recently with balancing my emotions but some nights I just don’t have the strength to fight them back. So, on those nights I lose my mind to fantasy.

And I smile. I’m sad after because they’re not real, but at least for a small moment in time, I’m happy.

I just need to find a way of being like that without these fantasies. I’ll get there one day – with luck.

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