Panicking about Wednesday…

I have to admit something big: im scared.

I went to get an appointment with the doctor today. The earliest appointment was either next tuesday in person or monday over the phone.

I panicked and started getting worried. I’ll explain why in a moment…

I asked if there was anything sooner, anything at all. She said if it was important i can come back at 3pm to see the duty doctor. I asked to do that, tears in my eye, the lady asked if i was ok and i explained i was very stressed. She said it’s ok, come back at 3pm and just wait for someone to see you…

So, i now havr to go back later.

Not getting an appointment scared me because my manager, when she spoke to me on Saturday, told me if i come back on Wednesday i have to come back as my old self. Thats a lot of pressure when i dont even know what that was. 

I’m scared this messed up head is going to makr my worklife even harder than last week! And i dont think i can handle it. Telling me i have to be myself is not a great incentive when im not sure i can be like that.

I’m hoping i can at least get some sort of plan from the doctor later, because i need something to settle me. And quick.

Because my homelife has returned to high stress levels after a day of being chilled. My arm keeps shaking when im nervous too. I’m worrying that im seriously cracking up under all this pressure and it really scares me. I dont want to be like this. I want to be happy. I want to smile and not feel pain like i do right now. 

Again, just as i thought i was balancing out, i dip into another low moment and it feels like ive taken 1 step forward but 2 steps backward.

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