I saw the doctor today…

And it was really difficult. 

I said earlier that i found it hard asking for the appointment? Well, it was hard speaking with the doctor too.

He asked me what was wrong and i tried to answer as clearly and concisely as possible, but it was difficult because i get upset admitting im not doing very well.

If i start talking about whats wrong it upsets me to realise how much pain and confusion im in. And i feel silly.

I told the doctor I’d recently split up with my girlfriend, and that i felt stressed with work and i dont really have anyone to talk to. He asked if i thought it was just the relationship break up or if it was just the last straw. I answered honestly: i feel it was just the last straw.

It certainly is the primary reason that my emotions are a bit all over the place, but i cant handle the pressures of my job right now as well.

I dont like discussing my work on here because of work place rules. But the fact is i get put on a lot. I’ve been there a lot longer than a lot of the others and next to my manager and team leader, alot of them look to me for help and guidance. That is normally fine. But in recent months I’ve been carrying a lot of pressure alongside my current role and have had people getting on at me for not performing how ‘they’ think i should be (regardless of how much extra work i do on top of my actual job).

Except for some time off recently, the xmas/new year blip with (E), I’ve had no time off for sickness in the past 2 years. I work hard and and take pride in doing a good job. I dont make a fuss unless i absolutely have to and even then it’s just a quiet word to management. 

Anyway, im a good employee and i get dumped on.

My work has suffered because of my emotional state, and it’s just pressure and stress i cannot deal with anymore. 

I told the doctor all this, and he told me he heard this a lot. And that it doesnt matter where you work, it’s always stressful. He agreed that i wasnt fit to do my job right now and signed me off for 2 weeks. That might have been a lot but honestly i cant face it right now, so I’ll take it.

He also gave me a number to call and get a therapist set up. I have a phonecall appointment with the main body soon, where they will determine what help i need and for how long. Then they’ll set me up with someone locally.

I hate to feel a burden on people and i feel bad for leaving my department short handed, but i cant carry on like this…

I do feel more comfortable that I’ve got something in place to help me move forward mind you. I will be totally honest with the therapy as i need to get better. I want to feel like i can smile again, like i can walk about with some amount of confidence in myself once more. 

And, if you’re reading this (E)? Please don’t feel too bad. Yes, the emotional stress of our break up was the straw that broke my back, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. Like we said Saturday, i need this to help me get balanced. To help me get back to me.

I just hope i dont have to wait too long for the therapist appointment…

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