Ok, so this is what i was worried about.
This feeling of hope, of wanting things back, it’s so very strong. I woke this morning, looked at my phone and when i saw i had a message, hoped so much it was from (E). It wasn’t, which made me feel sad. And that’s the problem if we speak too much at the moment. I subconsciously get my hopes up that things are going back to they were. Even though i know they won’t.
I don’t like being off with (E), or turning her away, because she’s been extremely understanding and im just not that sort of person. I know she’s the primary cause of my problems right now, but i feel she’s punishing herself enough, so i dont want to add to them.
I wish i could just stop caring for just one day. I could really do with some clarity. The conversation with (E) on Saturday was great, it really was. But trying again last night was too much, i ended up cracking and asking her if she was ok – to which she responded by refusing to talk and said i was right, and that we could talk anoter time – something I’m glad she said.
But, now im suffering because i tried to talk to her, i let my mind think too much abour her and then had another dream last night. It was nothing crude, my dreams never are, but it was intimate.
We were in her bed. Cuddled up. Her head was on my chest, her hand across my stomach, holding my hand, and we just laid there playing with each others hand. We’d look at each other, smile, then kiss, from time to time. What makes it really hard, and made it feel very real, was that my mind tricked me into thinking I could smell her and her room around me. I felt like i was there, i was living a memory not a made up dream.
It’s truly torturous because of all the things i miss, this memory’s contents is right near the top.
I need to centre myself again today because these emotions are a little stirred up again. Im going to go see about getting a doctors appointnent very shortly. Hopefully i wont have to wait too long and if i can get an appointment date, that should help me feel a little better.
I do miss her so much today 😥