The strange feeling of knowing…

So, how do i feel this morning?

That’s a difficult question. I’m trying to balance myself still. Yesterday was a terrible day.

I spent the day trembling having what i assume were anxiety attacks: my whole body trembling (my right arm specifically), my heart racing, tears building, mind feeling like it was frying, and a frantic thought process that made me feel paranoid of everything around me…

It was truly the worst day of the week so far. I have absolutely no doubt that the dream i had on thursday night (where (E)’s mum shouted at me) was completely to blame for my unhinged behaviour.

It also didnt help being at work and worrying about everyone trying to talk to me. I think, once i started panicking, it just snowballed into something worse.

But, last night, the minute i left work i felt relief. Which made me realise, for certain, that it’s not just things with (E) that are bothering me. That work and, to an extent, my homelife are also negative influences on my current state.

So, i am going to go and see my doctor as soon as the earliest appointment allows. I will then see what they suggest. I wont accept medication, but i will accept professional therapy. And maybe some time off work to help clear my head…

Last night i also spoke to (E).  To try and get to the bottom of why it all ended. In more detail, a form of closure i suppose.

My insides twisted to begin with. My nerves felt like i was putting pins in all my pressure points. The pain of talking to her was excruciating. 

But, as we started to get into the conversation, about what happened, why it happened etc. Things calmed down. Especially when she accepted she’d done wrong by not talking to me about things.

It turns out all the things i thought she loved; the roses, origami cranes, and poems, whilst she thought were terribly romantic and cute, they made her feel uncomfortable. Which was hard to hear, because  i only did those things because i thought she liked them.

I made it clear that she should have spoken to me. I’d have accepted her trepidations and, whilst i may have been a little disheartened at first, happily compromised to stop making her feel so uncomfortable. She knows now she should have said something, now its too late. But, it probably wouldn’t have mattered because she still has feelings for her ex, because she got out of a 2 years relationship in nthe August before we started seeing each other (October 29th). I didn’t know it was so close, if i had asked maybe i could have taken it slower.

All that amounts to ifs and buts though.

After a very lengthy text exchanged we both agreed that neither of us were really ready for the relationship. Her for rereasons I’ve mentined already and me for how my emotions are after the fact.

There is one good thing to take from it though. She did truly love me. I asked her if  she’d stopped or if she still felt for me. She told me it depends day to day. Some days, like yesterday when we spoke, she still loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me.

Other days she lets the fear/panic take over and convinces herself she doesnt love me.

She also admitted that she hoped one day we can get another chance, one day when we’re both ready for a relationship, emotionally.

I agreed – it’s something I’ll always hope for – even though neither of us can promise it will happen. It’s nice to know, at least some days, we’re still on the same page. It proves to me that what we had was as real as it gets.

It still hurts like a lingering stab wound, not having her there, and as much as I’d like to travel back and try again, i know it would always end in the same way.

I love (E). Terribly so. The fear of never getting to be with her again, both physically and emotionally, is what hurts the most.and that hurt is emotional. Its that emotional damage that acts as the blades on the blender that keep stiring my mind up every night. 

Those blades stayed their metal pain last night, somewhat, because whilst i dreamt of (E) again, the dream was not as damaging. 

I feel nervous, anxious, and on edge still. However, i feel like im less so because ive not got work for a few days. If i combine that with knowing what (E) really feels (the good and bad bits), along with knowing i am to go see my doctor and ask for help, i realise that the outlook is healthy and not filled just with sorrow. 

I hope i can get the help i need. To help find balance in my emotions. But i hope i can find the path that leads back to (E). This love is special and i am going to hope she finds that fact out herself. Maybe a year or so down the line, assuming we dont, painfully, meet other people, we might get our second chance.

But, maybe we dont. As much as i find it easy to wallow in this hope, i need to be real and focus on myself rather than a future with (E) – if there is a future for us both, together, then i have to have faith that we both make the choices that lead us there. I can’t control hers, i can only deal with the choices I’m given, and have faith she’ll meet me at the end of the line.

However, that’s for a later date. A lot later date. I need to figure out how to deal with these nerves and anxiety.

That and get over this heartbreak. Because it still hurts like hell. For all our talking and soul searching last night, i still want to message her good morning and tell her how much i love her. And that’s cutting quite deep right now 😥 

So, i will put a film or two on this morning, and chill out at home. Should the weather pick up i may go for a walk. But today i feel exhausted and need a rest. I need to put this exhausting past few days behind me. And try and get these images of me and (E) together out of my head. Everytime i think of her i still see us together, talking, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, more. It’s self torture,  i know, but these bittersweet thoughts plague my mind regardless …


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