Inner turmoil…

Ok, i felt better this morning. With no torturous dream to unbalance me, the peace I’d garnered from last nights conversation with (E) seemed to help a lot.

But as my head has woken, it’s now fully aware of the turmoil that plagues my heart.

Throughout my conversation last night – with (E) – the temptation to let it fall into a selfish rant of my inner feelings was high. I fought those temptations as we both strived for the conversation we deserved. To talk through things, as adults and in a mature manner.

We successfully did so. And to great effect. She said the conversation had helped her and, truthfully, it helped me a great deal. It let me understand the issues fully, it helped me understand her better, and it helped me realise that my idea of romance and how we were was not the perfection i thought it was.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, it hurts to think i could’ve been so wrong. It hurts that she didn’t enjoy all the things i did for her as much as i thought. She appreciated them, and i know she did like the roses, origami cranes, and poems, but the truth is she didnt enjoyb them as much as i thought. I was so wrapped up in doing those things for her i forgot to actually stop and think about whether it’s what she wanted. 

That is a very hard lesson to learn. And i think it proves that i was not ready for this kind of relationship just yet.

If i ever had a second chance, things would go much slower, steadier. We would get to know each other more, last time we let ourselves get swept away by a tide of overwhelming emotion.

If we got a second chance i would make sure that didn’t happen again. We would take our time and ease into it. Slowly, but surely. Both emotionally, and physically.

But there’s the problem. I know that now. And yet my heart still feels like a storm in a teacup. Like everything has been ripped from its foundations and is swirling around smashing against the walls. 

Like all storms, a calm will come, i know that. To learn such hard truths and suddenly know what you’d do differently if you got the chance, is difficult when you know you may never get that chance again.

The storm in my heart is a paradox: I know what i feel and yet, time to time a mild confusion sweeps over me and spins me out. I still come back to knowing how i feel, but it never stays long before being stirred up all over again. Usually by my own poisonous thoughts. 

So, right now, i am in an emotional turmoil. I know how i feel, about (E) – i know i love her, but time to time a reasonable doubt washes over me and panics me. My fears threaten to take over. I always come back to knowing i love her. So i know its true.

But, right now that turmoil tells me I’m not quite ready for what it means. 

Deep down, i know i will be one day. And then i hope she is too. But i cant keep focusing on her. Which is all too easy to do.

I need to focus on getting myself there. Everything else? They’re not my decisions. And i cant make them. I just have to hope the person making them sees things like i do. 🙂

Whilst not the most original phrase, the following is one of the most helpful – if you can make it work:

Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.

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