Decision making…

Today was a tough day. I’m incredibly emotional and every ounce of strength i could muster was put towards me stopping myself from breaking into tears. 

Everytime i tried to talk to somebody i felt my eyes welling up. Not because they upset me but because i was already extremely upset and talking to them just loosened my grip.

The annoying person at work asked me how i was today, she said (K) had given her a heads up and that she hoped i was ok. I apologised for not being myself, because although im hurting i shouldn’t let it affect my colleagues and work environment. 

I explained that i dont mean to be quiet and unhappy but everytime i tried to speak i cried. And i didnt want to cry anymore. She understood, asked if (E) had been really horrible to me (i told her the truth – that she had not been horrible at all), and then let me get on with things. I have a new found bit of respect for her, because she really did try and make sure i was ok.

When my supervisor went home, i apologised to her, and explained the same thing – that i didnt intend to be rude or miserable but that i couldn’t focus properly and it was all i could do not to cry. She spoke with me, me holding back tears, and said i should go see a doctor. Mirroring what karly said i should do yesterday.

Then, to top of my emotional rollercoaster of a day, my manager sat me down and we spoke, in depth, about what was bothering me and how i felt in myself. I just cried, trying to mumble through a few words here and there. She did most of the talking. 

I told her that i think i should go see a doctor becausr i just feel so stressed and cant seem to release. There’s no one for me to talk to, seeing as the only person i felt comfortable talking to about anything was also the main reason im so upset, and i feel so pushed away. 

She told me there was a number i could call that might help. My company provides this service for almost free (i think you have to pay per minute on the line though) so i may look at that. 

I’ve decided that i do need help though. Because if it’s affecting my work, well, that’s not good at all. Apparently I’ve brought a bad atmosphere down on the department – something i never wanted to happen.

I think there’s more going on in my head than just the break up too. Because i hate my job and feel stressed everywhere i go – (E) breaking things off was probably just the last straw. 

I’m off work for 3 days now, so tomorrow i will rest up, try and write a bit of flash fiction i had in my mind earlier, and then Monday go and see the doctor about getting some help.

Someone once told me that asking for help is a sign or strength. I hope she’s right. If so, it just makes her that little bit more special 😥

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