Back to our scheduled program…

Ok, so back to my insecure and heartbroken rants.

I feel like shit. There’s no sugar coating that today. I have this nervous sick feeling in my stomach, and what makes it worse is that whilst (K) was texting me last night to try and help, it’s obvious she didn’t quite understand. 

People are so quick to judge and say that 3 months is nothing. That i shouldn’t be so bothered by it all.
But the fact is, i opened up and bared my soul to (E) and that took a lot. It’s something I’ve never done before. And yet now it’s over, i feel betrayed, let down, upset, heartbroken, confused, sad, lonely. And a whole host of other conflicting emotions.

My head feels like it’s getting blended everynight i go to sleep. Because every morning i wake up, i have to go through all my emotions all over again.

Last nighy i had a dream where i went to meet up with (E) and console her about Boris. But instead of (E) being there, her mum was there. And her mum really went off into one. Shouting at me and having a right go.

I know its all in my head. But it hurts, and makes me feel really unsettled.

(K) is right in that i need to get over this and move on. But how do i even attempt that when i cant even feel sane?

I’ve been miserable at work because I’ve got so much going on in my head that i cant fake the facade i use when im there. Which means i hardly talk to anyone, because i genuinely detest almost all of them. 

I feel like im falling apart and i cant seem to get a grip on it. I feel like every morning im falling and I’m trying everything i can to grab hold of something so i can pull myself up. But all i do is scramble. There’s nothing there for me to get a hold of. 

So, i fall. 

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