I feel like a yoyo…

I feel like im two different people. 

I know how i felt last night and part of me still feels that. But this morning the grief, the pain of not having (E) there, is too much. I just cant process it like i could last night. And it makes me want to cry. 

I miss her so much.

It’s been a week since i woke up to that message from her, and i dont feel any better inside than i did then.i wish i could stay as balanced as i felt last night, because then I’d feel like I’d improved – but when i falter, like this, in the morning i get annoyed because i feel like all the progress i felt I’d made last night was for nothing. 

I know it doesn’t help having to go to work but i want to be able to smile and not look so upset. 

I wish i could fake it. But i cant. Im not wired like that. I’m wired fir emotion and i cant fake happiness if i dont feel it.

I wish i could. Maybe, if i could, work would go faster and i could spend less tine so bored out of my brain that all i do is go over scenarios where i have to talk to (E).

Speaking of scenarios – i dreamt about her last night. I dreamt that, for some reason i stayed at her house. I slept in their living room, but (E) snuck down and climbed under my cover. Nothing rude, she just hugged me and held my hand. But it was enough to make me cry myself awake. 😥

Shit, I’m really messed up aren’t i?

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