Being truthful to myself…

So. What a day. I didn’t cry on the way to the bus. That’s a plus right? Wrong.

I got asked to go sort out the freezer at work. And the minute i knew i was on my own i let my defenses crumble like they’d been threatening to do all day.

The tears flooded out of me, lip quivering like a baby, heart aching like it had just then been punched. I was in there for about half an hour,  crying the whole time.

“Idiot”

“Why did you think she’d actually love you?”

“You opened up and she ran away”

That was what i shouted at myself. Not in rage, it’s just what I’ve been thinking all along. All my doubts, the ones i got past to be with (E). They all came flooding out of me like my subconscious was laughing at me for ignorong it.

A psychological “i told you so, idiot”.

I pushed myself past my fears and insecurities for (E). Because i love her. And i knew she loved me. 

Now? Now i feel so let down, so disappointed, so annoyed at myself.

I love her (screw my rule) and for me to openly say that about someone even now, amidst all this pain. Thats a compliment to how bloody amazing she is. 

Anyway, back to my break down…

I left the freezer, to dispose of some rubbish, and bumped into (K). Those that have read that far back on this blog will know that (K) is my good friend.

She’d not really said anything to me about it, she’d thought i hadn’t really wanted to say anything and she was right.

But she came into the other chiller (where I’d now gone) and saw me upset. She asked if the tears were because im cold or upset. That question gave her a definitive answer. 

She gave me a hug, which was unusual for her, and i cried even more. It hurts to think about it being over.

She asked me what (E) had said to me when she broke it off, and i told her everything. I told how i understand  (E)’s point of view and that she did the right thing ending it but, i also told her how much i missed her and was so confused as to where it all went wrong.

After us patching things up i thought we’d crossed a bridge – us both opening up, taking things steady. Trying to slow it all down. I thought we were on the same page. Right up to that last moment (when she broke it off).

All i ever wanted was to make her happy, that’s all ive ever aimed for. I thought us loving each other would be enough. But obviously i was wrong. 😥

I broke down, cried, and talked to (K) about it all. About everything to do with (E).

She told me how she felt, how she was still struggling with her heart break from last August. And it made me feel both better, and worse.

Better because she seems so happy all the time and yet admitted to me there are still some days she finds herself crying.

Worse because last August is when (E) told me she broke up with her ex. I know everyone takes their own time but, love aside, me and (E) had so much going for us it would be a shame not to get another go at things. I really want that to happen. When we’re both in a better place.

I have to admit, i feel like a weight has lifted, having talked with (K).

I feel like the fuzz in my head has cleared somewhat. A feeling i hope i can keep. 

The problem ive been having is that I’ve been trying to push myself so i can be friends with (E) as quickly as possible. I had it all wrong.

I need to do this for myself. And I need to stop worrying about her. And thats going to be hard but i have to have faith in if we’re meant to be, we will be. If not then we wont be. 

I just have to be able to accept that. My issue is I’ve been too easily suckered into my own mind’s prison. The prison where the bars, walls, ceilings, and guards are all (E). 

I know my love has clouded my vision. And im going to try harder to see through it. 

I have to accept that there’s simply nothing i can do to get (E) back to a place where we can be happy together. 

And as painful as that is, once i fully accept that, i can maybe move on with my life. I can hope we will end up together, but I have to be able to live with the fact that we might not.

And, whilst im being truthful? It’s the idea that we might never get to be together that truly breaks my heart. 

We were so good together and i genuinely think, given a chance, we’d make each other very, very happy. I think im just so scared I’ll never get to hold her hand and kiss her again.

Does that make sense to anyone else reading this?!

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