Im laying here, having just watched Hitman: Agent 47 on my laptop. Headphones on. Conversing with a friend. A good friend, who’s been here for me from the moment I needed him.
Anyway, im laying here, in bed thinking. About my attitude. My mum hugged me earlier and told me she loved me – which made me smile. I just wish that was how she was earlier – and yesterday.
My attitude to this has been all wrong. Im struggling to keep hold of my emotions because i want to be there for (E) as soon as possible. Im trying to rush things. Because im scared the longer i take to heal the less chance there is I can be someone she could love again. Im an idiot.
Since when does getting better for her equal getting better for me?! My feelings for her have not changed and i want her to be happy more than anything else in this world. But for us to be friends, and therefore lay the ground for any potential future, I need to learn to be my happy self again.
It’s going to be hard, harder than it has been already, when so much of myself was put into this relationship. But i want to get there, primarily for myself but also to show (E) that she means so much to me, I’d rather have her as a friend than not in my life at all.
Of course, im always going to want more, but if i can learn to control my emotions and control when i let them out, maybe there could be a serious chance for us both.
Control means learning steadily and having patience. Something i lack at this time, through fear.
Control means i have to allow myself to heal naturally and not try to force myself into situations i cannot handle…
Like i said, my feelings for her are going nowhere, so i need to focus less on them and more on being happy and learning to live with these emotions: pain, love, and hope.
If i can do that, maybe she’ll see that im serious about her – enough to endure such pain just to be her friend – and appreciate my efforts.
I know this is borderline me doing it for her but i have to be honest: i want to be with her, but i want her to want to be with me too – without confusion or complication.
If that means I have to get past this pain and be ‘just’ friends for any amount of time to prove that?! I’ll gladly do it, i just need to be stronger in the mornings than i have been recently and make some progress towards a happier, smiley me.
I know i may revert back to my panicky, low state tomorrow morning. But hopefully this post will serve as a bolster to keep me going.
Remember Dan: strength through adversity. Good things are always the things we have to fight for the most… Is she worth it? You bet she is!