Conflicting emotions.

Where do I start? I have this nervous buzzing in my chest. The same kind of nervous buzz I got whenever me and (E) used to meet up. Only this feels crippling, not exciting.

I’ve had her running around my head all morning. Not because I’m imagining us together but because I’m trying to think of what to say to her when we finally meet up as just friends (whenever that might be).

My problem isn’t that I’m thinking about it so much as the thought terrifies me. Seeing her, with all these emotions knocking about,  but not being able to say how I really feel. 

Ok, so maybe it is because I’m thinking about that situation too soon.

I have to say I have come to terms with her reasons. She’s obviously confused, not fully over her ex, and is scared about entering into a serious relationship whilst she feels that way.

I have to say I admire her for her courage to tell me that.

However, I’m still here, feeling these feelings. This love.

I don’t want to push her away by keep mentioning it on here, but this love is going nowhere. It simply can’t.

I get she’s not ready for this relationship and I was. I get that she still has feelings for her ex and can’t commit to me.

Fine. I understand. But that doesn’t stop me wanting to be with her and wanting her to want to be with me.

So, whilst she cannot promise things might happen between us in the future (i wouldn’t want her to either) neither of us knows what the future holds.

As sad as this will sound, I’ve been watching the Big Bang Theory with my brother in the evenings…

Penny and Leonards’s relationship comes to mind. Sure it’s a scripted program but eventually, they end up together after a couple of awful tries.

I believe that me and (E) will get another chance, not because it makes me feel better but because I just feel it in my gut. The same gut that told me it was ok to feel love for her when she wanted to tell me the same. The same gut that told me to be myself because she likes you (she did). It hasn’t failed me with her yet. Why should it start now?

So, once again I find myself trying to be the strong person she sees when she looks at me, and aim to be there for her as a friend. If it’s meant to be it will be. And I have to keep telling myself that whilst moving past this pain and balancing myself out.

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