I’m trying…

Today could have gone better.

I started off not feeling very well, but that passed, it was just a nervous sick feeling.

Work was awful (as per usual) but I also had to work with someone I really cannot stand at the moment (today they kept barking ‘cheer up you’re bringing us all down’ at me.) I was very close to taking them to one side and just letting rip, but I decided I was too emotional and it would not go down well. I’m so sick of dealing with this sort of person, though. And my patience is at an all time low right now.

That said, I kept trying to remember what my friend said last night, how much it made me feel optimistic and less stupid for feeling like this. I keep thinking that maybe I am over reacting? But I simply don’t know how to deal with this!

I finally finished work, having made it through the drag of a day, and cracked as I was leaving. I sobbed a little, wiped my tears and then went to meet my brother (he finished the same time as me for once so I got a quicker lift home).

No sooner had I set foot in the door and my mother starts on at me about ‘actually talking tonight’ – I’ve had a shit day at work, laid out my feelings to her last night and still she berates me. I don’t know if she thinks she’s helping, but making my home a stressful place is not going to help. It’s going to push me further away. Add to that my brother having another dig about ‘over-reacting’ and I’m sitting here miserable in my own home because I can still hear them moaning about me.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to argue with them, but if I don’t say anything they’ll just keep on. I just want to be left alone to sort through my thoughts and emotions by myself. They can’t help me, with their negative comments, so why get so aggravated at me? Like I said, it makes me feel like I have no safe haven, no calm space. And it’s making things worse.

I simply cannot deal with stress on all 3 fronts: My own mind, my home, my work. If this keeps up I can see myself breaking down and just giving up. But I don’t want to do that.

I want to feel better. I want to smile. I want to remember what it was like to not miss someone I love. The latter might be impossible now but I have to try.

I still love her, I still know my love will never go away but I need to try and be happy without her again, at the very least.

I’m going to try and keep away from using the term ‘love’ on this blog for a while, in the context of talking about (E) at least. My feelings have not changed, they’re still as strong as ever – but I know that and she knows that (everyone who reads this blog will know that). So, I’m going to try and see if not using the word every time I post helps me. I don’t know if it will, maybe it will help me keep it out of my mind.

It’ll probably be like opening the fridge on a hot day – basically useless. But I need all the help I can get right now. So, I’m going to try it.

I just want to be in control enough to be able to be friends with her. I need to be able to do that. Please.

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