I was hoping that a sense of relief after talking with (E) would wash over me last night. It didn’t.
Instead I ended up laying awake until nearly 1am. My mind abuzz with worry and anxiety. If im honest it doesn’t help that this morning is my first day back to work in 10days.
I thought that going to sleep late would stave off any dreams. I was wrong.
This was the dream I’d been dreading the most too. I woke up at 3.30am. And drifted back off to sleep with ease. When i woke up at 5.30am, i had tears.
The dream itself was a scene by scene replay of our last night together. The 18th December. When i stayed around hers for the last time. There was no gratuity in the dream. Just us kissing and playing around. I cannot state enough that my brain at least censored, from me, all of the crudeness and gratuity.
But i remember how it felt, what it was like with her that night, in every detail. The look in her eyes, us both trembling.
And it’s upsetting to think of it all.
But my brain put those images, sounds, even the smells in my mind.
It’s like i must’ve been cruel at some time in my life and this is my punishment.
I’ve always tried to be a decent person. And i don’t understand why I’m being punished like this.
I’ve taken (E) off my facebook. So now there are no tempting notifications.
There’s no temptation to see her pictures. I can put some actual space between us. Try to push past this.
But my dreams are like an anchor. Keeping me rooted.
And I’m yet to find a way of cutting the chain. And it hurts. So very much.