Waiting, but moving on.

I’m waiting for a message that wont come.

She wont message me. She said she’d leave me alone to deal with it because it wouldn’t be fair to message me.

She’s right. It would confuse me and make it harder for me.

But knowing that she wont message me, just makes me want it more.

I want her to message me, hell i want my fantasy to come true. But its not going to happen. 

I know i need to accept that, but its what i wish to be true every day. 

Am i a fool for thinking these things? Am i fool for wanting her even though she doesn’t want me? 

She doesnt feel the same about me and can’t commit to me. My feelings scare her. Shes not over her ex.

If i could come up with a way to solve this puzzle that ends with me shedding her fears and making everything right id like to find it. Truly i would

But this isnt a disney story. This is real life. 😥

I have hope that we can rekindle things at a later date. That this was all some prelude to us being happy together one day. 

But its hard. Hard to know it might never happen. And i cant seem to shake that feeling. 

I hate going over the same stuff over and over. And i know that she reads these posts. So i want her to see me improve. I don’t want her to feel bad about how I’m struggling. 

But the truth is i thought she was the one. The one id always be with. That one person who i could make happy just by being me. Because she was that to me.

If i cant be that person to her? Then i dont want to be that person to anyone else…

It’s a dramatic thing to say. But it’s the truth about how i feel. 

I once said to her that I’d happily wait a decade if it meant we could be together. I meant it.

I know i cant wait around and waste my life. But once im over this pain and smiling again, I’m going to do what i love: writing. 

And if the time comes when she’s ready for something with me I’ll have my heart ready for her.

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