I’m typing this post whilst watching Captain America Civil War. Hopefully having that on in the background will help provide me with the clarity I just had before getting all upset…
You’ll understand what I mean when you read below…
So, this morning was a rather low-point for me. I tried to combat it with hope and denial. It didn’t work. It just made me more upset.
So, whilst having a shower, I tried to relax. Let the warm water push all the negativity away. And, you know? It kinda worked. At least for a while.
I was able to look at things from a fresh perspective.
I imagine that, as (E) is also coming to terms with her own heartbreak (as well as the pain of knowing what she’s made me feel – her words not mine), she is also going through some rather painful moments. She bottles things up. And whilst I understand this is not the best thing long term, it can help with the pain you feel short term. I used to do it. But it does more damage long term.
I spent 10 years going nowhere near a girl, even if I liked them, because I was scared of feeling pain. All I’d ever known was hurt. I’d never met someone who I felt so at peace with, so relaxed around that I could tell them anything. Well, not until I met (E).
I fell for her. Not just because she made me feel good about myself. But because of the little things. The way she smiled, the look on her face when she’d look around (when she didn’t know I was looking). Her little shivers when we held hands, the way she caressed my hand with her, the look on her face when we kissed, the noise she made when we parted, her wave when she said hello, the mannerisms she had when she’d pick her bag up or make her way closer to me. Then there’s her intoxicating smell, her perfume, her breath.
All these things on top of all the things she made me feel about myself, as well as the sense of appreciation I got from her. Her kindness, her gentle nature, her brains, and honestly? her aesthetics. She’s pretty, drop-dead gorgeous, but more than all of that, she is, quite simply, beautiful.
And nothing will ever happen to make me change that mindset. I might bury those feelings with time, I may be forced to, but I’ll always feel them. Without reserve.
There are people that come into your life and change how you view things. There are people that come into your lives and change who you are, for the better. She did both of those things. She gave me the confidence to believe in what I feel. To know that I can not overthink about things, although she also loved that about me.
This is tough. I cannot turn this love off. I’ll probably never be able too. In all fairness, I don’t want to either.
I hope we get another chance, sure. But something in my gut tells me we will. And I have to believe in my gut feeling. I will forever be ready should she come back.
I know I will. But thinking that isn’t enough. Saying it over and over in these posts makes me feel temporarily better. But I don’t think it’s helping in the long run.
So, I need to come up with a way of telling myself that mentally, that both helps me feel better but doesn’t force me to stay in a limbo where I can’t move forward.
The problem I have emotionally is that I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking what an Idiot I am for falling in love. I don’t feel like an idiot for falling in love myself, but I feel that it’s what people are thinking about me. And whilst I try not to care what people think about me, I have a lack of confidence in myself. That confidence had healed over the past 12-18 months, allowing me to form this relationship with (E). When it ended, I lost the stability I’d built for myself. Not because my sense of self-worth was tied to (E) but because I thought I was ready for a relationship (including this ending).
I was not ready for falling so truly, madly, deeply, in love.
And now I have to find a way of dealing with the pain induced from losing a relationship I’d believed would go the distance.
I want to clarify the above statement. I didn’t have plans for our relationship. But I knew I loved (E). I knew she loved me. And honestly? That’s all I could have ever wanted from someone else.
Sure, I looked at old couples when I went out for a walk, I saw them holding hands smiling to each other, and I had hope that me and (E) could be like that when we were their age.
But I had no immediate plans. I don’t care about marriage, about kids, about settling down. I just wanted to enjoy what we had, knowing we loved each other.
But somehow, somewhere down the line, she realised she was not ready for that. And it’s painful to know that.
She’s 10 years younger than me. So I’m aware it’s a big thing for her to commit to a relationship she’s not sure about. But, I do hope one day she’ll figure out that when she is ready for that, I’m still here for her – again I have no guarantee she will still be attracted to me, but I have to hope and have faith.
Age is just a number after all. And if you meet someone who you connect with on a level like we did to each other, then you can’t just turn your back on it. Just to point out, I’m 29 this year and she’s just turned 19.
At that age, I know it’s a lot to ask from her to be with me when she’s not sure. Truth be told I would never do that to her. If/when she’s ready to be with me we’ll go from there. I suppose if that day never comes, at least I’ll have her as a friend. But I can’t think about how I’d feel about that right now.
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling. This post is massive and has helped like yesterday’s fantasy one did. So, there’s something right?
I’m so tempted to open the parcel and check out what I had made for (E). But I know it will just upset me.
So, instead of that, I’ll do it at the weekend. When I don’t have to worry about going to work. In the meantime, I’m going to try and focus on selling my old comics. I don’t read them anymore and get no real sense of joy from them. I’m a geek and will always be a geek. But I don’t need comics to say that about myself.
They need to go. Plus I could always do with the money to help me with my writing.