My last post (now deleted) was not fair. Nor was it proper.
I spoke to (E) again tonight. I had a moment of weakness. I caved and had to ask her about whether she still loved her ex or not. I feel awful for doing so, for several reasons.
- She said it was a difficult question to answer but yes. She said she supposes she does.
- It was unfair of me to ask such a personal question. Even if i felt i should know – it must be hard on her too.
- I made her feel bad. I never want to do that. Ever.
- The obvious – knowing she does still love him is brutal to know, because it means she has a long way to go.
- The obvious – knowing the person you’re in love with loves someone else is gut wrenching. Regardless of context.
We spoke a little more. She said she wished she could say something to make me feel better but she couldnt. I know she cant. The one thing she could say to make me feel better is the one thing she cannot say: that she still loves me, that she simply needs time, and that she wants to come back to me…
She cant say that. Not now. Possibly not ever. I dont ever expect her to say that either.
I just hope we can find our way back to each other one day. I want to add more memories to those i already have of her.
Anyway, the drastic measures:
She told me she was thinking of leaving Facebook. But i begged her not to. It was because of me she was thinking about it. Because of my reaction to seeing her and her ex talk. Im not a jealous person, but im full of fear. And fear can lead you down a path of similar architecture. Albeit a slightly different motivation. Im not jealous of her talking to him. Im scared of what it means. It’s different.
I offered to unfriend her on facebook. Until i am ready to deal with things logically. Until I’m able to feel comfortable having her there, in my life, as a temptation.
She told me i was strong for suggesting it. But it was because i was scared i offered the solution. Scared of losing her out of my life altogether.
I want to keep her at arms length. Not push her so far away that she cant come back to me even if she wanted to.
Anyway. The result is that we are no longer friends on Facebook. It’s more of a ceremonial sacrifice because i still have her number. But it does take away any and all temptation to see her on facebook. It takes away any temptation to look at her page, pictures etc.
Basically, I’ll lose any and all visual contact as to whats going ok in her life. But if we’re meant to stay friends (or more) i can catch up with all that when we reconnect.
I’ve been going on about faith all week so now is time for me to put that into practice.
I’ll miss her. I’ll worry about her moving on without me. But that is a risk i have to take. Like i said there’s no gaurantee we’ll ever get another chance. I just hope there is.
But, for that to happen; I need to be me again. And to be me again i need to move past this pain.
To do that, removing temptation from my life was needed. I feel better for talking with her, and better for removing the temptation.
I just hope she finds a love for me inside her, one day. More than anything, i hope that happens.
Anyway I have to try and sleep. I have work tomorrow. And it’s going to be tough enough without being overtired.
Goodnight world. Goodbye (E). For now.