It never sinks in.
I read some of my posts back just now.
And in most of them i say i should accept that it’s over for good. But i dont think i can. Not quite yet. I need to come to terms with it in stages.
But here’s my issue: I’ve been focusing on trying to get past all the feelings i have. Maybe i should try and embrace them instead of ignoring them?
Because im still feeling the raw heartbreak and cant deal with everything at once.
I love and care about (E) so much. More than i know how to deal with. It’s ironic that the same strength of love is what scares her.
I want to tell her that it scares me too. It really, truly, does. But I’m willing to try my best to push past that fear and go with what we have /had with each other.
I want to tell her that she should do the same. But thats not fair. She needs to feel like she can push past that fear herself. If she can’t feel that way for/about us then it’s not right for us right now. As upsetting as that fact is to realise.
I hope that the attraction she feels for me stays with her enough so that when she’s over her heartbreak and ready to get involved with someone, that someone can be me. And we can try again, from scratch.
Because as much as i should be able to deal with a rejection like this? I need to believe my feelings mean more than just this pain.
I dont care if it’s in 6 months time, next year, or next decade. If we can find our way back to each other – i could die a happy man.
I’m going to get over this heartbreak, eventually, and try to be happy in myself again. And then? Then im going to do whatever i can, as a friend, to help her.
Because I love her and want her to be happy. Above all else.
Of course I’ll always hope it can be with me. But i wont push her. She needs to find that in herself. I just need to have faith.