Feeling stupid 

My head is all over the place. I feel a bit like a yoyo to be honest.

One minute i feel ok, like i can cope. The next im so terribly low and upset. 

I thought id started to balance out after what I’d said in the past couple of posts. 

I genuinely thought trying to get into that frame of mind would help. But all im doing is worry about what happens next. I wont lie. Im sitting here wishing for a wake up call that takes me back to before xmas. I’d even accept waking up after we reconciled at the begining of the year. 
But thats all wishful thinking and fantasy. Im trying to drag myself into a good mood. But i cant.

I have my mother getting stroppy with me because i dont want to talk to her about it (all she does is say ‘shes not worth it’ – which makes it worse because she’s more than worth all this) and because im not smiling im being talked about disrespectfully. This is not a good environment for me to be whilst dealing with this. But i have nowhere else to go.

I wish i could go away. And enjoy something new. Bury my head, come back refreshed, and ready to move on.

But, again, thats a fantasy.

And I live in this horrible real world.

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