Being ok with smiling again.

I used to smile all the time. 

I used to grin ear to ear. 

When i met (E) it’s all i ever did. Hardly ever miserable. One thought of her and id be smiling all day.

Now i dont feel like smiling. At all.

But sometimes you can’t help it. Im trying to cheer myself up by watching comedy shows or just anything i csn laugh at. Or used to laugh at.

But here’s something thats difficult to process: when i smile, i feel like im betraying myself. I feel like im betraying the love i feel. Because my heart is shattered, how can i smile and laugh still? Then i get annoyed at myself for smiling and hate myself for doing so.

I’m trying to stick with it. I need to learn how to smile again. But i dont want to feel like im betraying my own mind and heart. 

It feels like a cache 22. 

I want to smile. But i hate it when i do.

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