That fantasy i posted earlier, with everything turning out ok? I wish things like that were possible. I wish that if it happened, it would be enough.
Enough for us both to forget the pain.
If i thought it would work, I’d go to her house and throw stones at her window until she answered. And then I’d have some grand romantic gesture ready. A huge bouquet of roses. Pink ones, red ones, cream and purple ones. And I’d read out the poem I wrote for her (the one i was going to include in her xmas present).
I’d get the train, and bus, out to her house and take that leap.
I’d do it. If i thought for a second there was a chance she’d come back to me right now and things would go back to how they were.
But she wont. And things wont. And me doing that would probably just push her away and upset us both.
So i wont. I’ll instead spend my time trying to keep balanced like i feel, on and off, right now.
I feel low, of course, but i feel balanced. If that makes sense?
Anyway i think, unless something changes between now and bedtime, this will be the last post for today.
I want to try and go to bed balanced. See if my dreams are at least kinder to me tonight!
Balance = progress…