Ok, I’ve had this vision in my mind for a while now.
A vision of pure fantasy.
It involves (E). And me. Of course.
I have this image of sitting here, in my room, trying to keep busy. Trying to take my mind off the heartbreak I’m suffering.
I sit and wonder what (E)’s up to. Is she going out of her mind too? Is this what she’s feeling too? Is this pain that I’m suffering shared with her over her own?
Is her mind going up and down and spinning around out of control? Just like mine?
I hope it isn’t because no one should ever feel this spun out. But I fear she is.
Anyway back to my vision:
I see myself looking out of the window, at the car two doors down that looks just like (E)’s. Wishing the entire time it was her, that her car was there with her in it.
But it never happens like that. Ever.
So I lower my head and go lay back on my bed. Pick up my phone and look at her picture. The cutest picture ever, her holding her puppy Peppa. She’s wearing a light blue fleece and cuddling Peppa. (E)’s smiling, excited about having Peppa for good no doubt.
I smile, a tear rolls down my cheek. I turn my phone screen off and lay face down on my bed. The tears are still rolling. They’re not harsh, there’s no quivering lip. Not yet. Just tears rolling down my cheeks. I miss her. I love her. How can it be over?
I lay there like this for a while. Lost. But something inside me changes. My thoughts are of her and her smile, and the tears are still rolling. But my mindset, it’s hopeful and I have this little spike of optimism. It’s gone as quick as it came, but it’s enough for me to get up.
I walk to the window, I aim to take in the sounds of the sea. It’s dark and the tide’s out, but I can hear the roar of the waves as they creep ever closer to the shore.
I close my eyes, and as I sit there, for 5, 10, maybe 15 minutes, the tears begin to dry.
I smile a little, at the peace I feel.
And it’s then. right then, that this vision becomes a fantasy.
Right then, as I’m about to stand back up and go back to my bed, I hear a familiar voice “Daniel”.
My heart leaps right out of my mouth and I feel like it just blew up. My chest is throbbing and my eyes open wide – like I’ve just taken a hit of pure adrenaline.
My eyes dart, the tears have started again, is it really her? Where is the voice coming from?
I look down. And there she is. Rose-red-nose, pale cheeks and furry hood done up tight. She waves. A knowing smile on her face. She knows how happy I am to see her. It’s something I couldn’t hide even if I wanted to.
“(E)?!” I exclaim. “what’re you doing here?” – “no, wait. I’ll be right down”…
I fumble around looking for my light grey jumper. My new trainers. Grabbing my coat, I run downstairs.Nearly falling as I turn the corner, my heart leaps. But I make it in one piece.
I slow down, catch my breath. My nerves are amped up. My whole body is tingling. Joy is literally bursting from every hair follicle on my body.
With my coat and trainers on, my torch, and a pair of gloves in my pocket, I open the door.
And there she stands. Real as anything I’ve ever known. The girl of my dreams.
She says “hi” shyly. And I say “hey” just as shyly back.
Things are awkward at first but, saying nothing, she holds out her hand. I smile and take it. And we hug, Intensely. Tears rolling down both our faces.
We go for a walk. And just talk.
The rest? Well, that’s unwritten, but I’m almost certain it ends with a ‘Happy Ever After’.
Ok, so there is my fantasy. The one thing I want to happen (or as close as possible) right now. My deepest desire. My one true fantasy.
I want (E) back. I want to talk it through, and move on, together.
But that’s all it is. A fantasy. A work of fiction.
It came true the last time. Because magic does happen. But to expect it twice? That’s just wishful thinking.
Add to that me not being sure if I’d truly take her back right now – I’m emotionally all over the place and need to settle before even thinking about being all loved up again.
And you get a very confusing and rather messed up fantasy.
When I’m feeling up to writing it up in proper form, I’ll add it to one of my many [planned] short stories. It’s a good fantasy to have (albeit a bit cliched).
The fact of the matter is I love her profusely. But things rarely ever work out exactly how we want them. I’d settle for getting past this heartbreak and coming back together naturally over time. That’s more realistic, although technically still a fantasy.
I don’t want to lose my mind to these fantasies, but at the same time, I hope, that they come to fruition. I’m a romantic at heart and wish I could just be enough for her. Maybe one day I will be. Maybe I never will be. It’s a choice that is not mine to make – I can only be there for the potential outcome. And I plan to be. Even if it’s only ‘just’ a friend.
I have to say, that the past half hour I’ve spent writing and rewriting this post has been the most peaceful I’ve been in a long time. And it’s got me thinking. Maybe tomorrow I shall try and plan/write some more of my short story?
I have to be in all day tomorrow to make sure the surprise for (E) [the one already ordered before the breakup] is delivered and taken in ok. I don’t trust anyone else in my family to handle such an important thing.
I suppose, even if she never accepts it [a very fair response from her], it is an example of me finally having something published. Even if it something meant as a gift. At least it’s something tangible I’ve completed.
Anyway, I suppose I should do something with my day tomorrow. If writing this lengthy post can help me not struggle with painful thoughts for half hour, then maybe I can keep them at bay tomorrow with my writing? I can but try. Maybe I just need to be brave and force myself to try?
I’ll try. I want to improve and get to a happy place, I can’t rely on fantasies coming true to save me. I ‘ll have to get there myself.
Then, take each day as it comes. Here’s hoping.
Here’s hoping for a happy ending.