Chaotic mindset 

Mornings are not my friend. That is not news. I feel everything in a raw state that early. Today was exceptionally raw. 

I want to put into content my earlier, sporadic, raw posts…

I had two dreams about (E) last night. The first was a simple walk, followed by us in her car. Holding hands and thats when i woke up.

The second, was us in a hotel room talking and kissing. Noting else to the dreams. Nothing crude or objectifying. 

Just me dreaming about how we were together. The love i felt in the dreams was real. The smells, her voice, her actions. All memory. Her cute little face when she saw me looking at her sneakily. It was literally everything I’d come to love about us. 

Her voice, almost soothing if not for the current situation i find myself in.

Even though my brain was dreaming of those particular scenarios, it must have remembered it wasn’t real. Because my eyes were streaming when i woke up. 

I felt stupid. Like a hot mess. Truth be told i still do.

I dont mean to sound dramatic, not at all. But i feel these things and will share them.

My problem is that i over think. I worry about everything and it makes situations like this horrendous. They’re bad enough as it is. But i had all these ideas in my head. For our next date, for the one after. The surprise ive had made, even my birthday in march. 

I know it’s over. I know it wont change things, me dwelling on these thoughts. But they’re already ingrained in my mind. 

I gave myself, completely, to this. And she couldnt. Im not angry at her. I dont hate her. 

The opposite. I love her. And always will. Im strangely quite proud of her for having the courage to end things. And having the courage to do so in the right manner. She’s been the epitome of maturity with everything. Which makes me happy for her. But it also makes things worse because all it does is make me love her more. 

It’s like the tagline for a bad joke 😥

Once im over this heartbreak and once she is over hers and ready for something like this. I want to believe that things between us will get another chance. 

Assuming she still finds me attractive and has not met someone else by then. 

I suppose that’s where faith comes into it. I need to move on and be happy in myself, like i said in my previous posts, but i also want to be ready for any opportunity that will ever pop up for us to try again. Here’s the pitfall: i need to do both of those things without losing myself to just waiting for something that might never happen. 

If the worst should happen and we never become more than just friends, i need to make sure im past the pain because that’ll never work if i dwell.

I just hope i can get there in one piece. I’m not going to try and rush things,  ive got time to sort my head out. And the space from  (E) will hopefully help. 

It’s just so difficult when there are all these intense emotions flushing around my head and heart. 

Unless it’s (E) herself, there’s not one person on the planet that can ever compare to her. And right now i cannot see past that.

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