I spoke to (E) tonight. It was one of the most difficult discussions of my life.
I love her so much, and yet i stepped back. She offered her help, said she’d be here to help me if i needed it.
I thought it would help. It didnt. It just confuses me more. As it did last time. So i decided a step back would be necessary. I need space from (E) to help balance myself.
I love her more than I ever thought i could love anyone. But now im in more pain than ive ever felt before. And its tearing me apart.
Im trying to focus on getting past this heartbreak. But at the same time im living in hope that she’ll come back to me.
I need to push the latter, the hope, to one side. Along with the love.
I know i need to focus on getting over this heartbreak so i can carry on with my life.
That hope, and love, will always be there. I know enough about my own heart to know that as a truth.
I made sure she was aware of that. I made sure she knew that although I’d never push her for anything, if she ever found herself to love me, to come and tell me. No matter what’s going on in life for either of us. Because i’d always have this love for her.
Ok. So that said here’s the difficult bit. I love her and have genuine hope that one day we’ll get another chance. It’s all i want for my life. To be happy with her.to make her as happy as she makes me.
But. And its a big but. But, i know that might never happen. I hope it does. But nothing in life is certain. She’s young and has plenty of time to live her life before she gets into anything with anyone.
And this is the fire i play with.
I need time to get over this heartbreak. Truly i do. Because if i dont i cant expect to be friends with her.
I need to have full control over my feelings. Because if i dont things will get awkward and fall apart on a friendship level.
I am going to take space away from (E) and try to fix my shattered heart.
Anything else, im going to take day by day. I’ll always hold hope in my heart, it’ll be alongside the love I’ll always have for her. But I’ll need to learn to be patient and be happy in myself.
If i can be happy without her, then maybe i can control my feelings better. And we can reach our happy ending together, better.
At the very least I’ll be able to be happy in myself without her. Either way it’s progress right?