Still lost.

I’ve been speaking with (E) this morning. I really dont think it has helped because i just slipped into compliment giving. Like a stupid idiot. 

I don’t know what I’d get from it. I thought maybe some closure would help. But it just turned into me trying to find another piece of rope to grasp. 

I feel so stupid. I truly want to believe that sometime in the future things will work for us. But im naive. And i know that theres every chance nothing will ever happen. She’ll go on meet someone else and live happily ever after.

I wont. Because i cant open up like this again. I pushed myself to open up to (E) because she was special. So very special. 

She’s not just the best person I’ve ever known but, to my eyes, she’s perfect. Not the love-blind meaning. But the very real definition. I think she is perfect. And her flaws make her the amazing person she is.
I just wish she could have been as into things as me. I thought she was, and at one point she must have been. It just wasnt meant to be.

And that breaks my heart. Because i genuinely thought she was the one for me. Maybe it’s my fault for getting so carried away, but i couldnt help it. I got so excited I’d found her. She was literally right out of my dreams. 

How do you get over a feeling that strong? How do i get over a girl i literally fell in total love with? How do i move on and not close off completely?

I don’t know if i can ever be that open with someone ever again. How often do you come across someone you literally dreamt about meeting? Because she was everything to me.

If there’s no future for us, what was the point in it all? To open up and have my heart crushed like this? Because that i just can’t accept. 

I will die with hope in my heart of me and her one day finding each other. I will always have this love and hope in my heart. 

But at the same time i have to move on right? I have to try and get past this pain. 

I want to be the best me i can be without her. So that should i ever get the chance, i can be that me with her. 

Is that a bad view of it all? It’s the only thing keeping me going right now to be honest 😥


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