Little and often.

My posts are going to start becoming shorter but more sporadic. Because right now im finding it hard. Hard to sit and write for any decent amount of time.

Heartbreak does suit me. Not one bit. 

Every now and then i find myself thnking of a nice memory. I smile for a split second before remembering. 

Remembering that it’s not going to have any more added to it. Im trying not to dwell but im in a position where i can’t busy myself because i have nothing to busy myself with.

I have no friends i can just go and spend time with. I have nowhere i can go that doesnt remind me of (E). And i dont want to start breaking down like before so i cant go anywhere that reminds me of her. I cant do that to myself again.

My writing kept me busy before. But ive lost all appetite for that. I have no inspiration either. And i dont want to write depressing poetry because it makes me worse. 

I just sit here. Hoping she’ll message me and take it all back. But then i think, i dont want that. 

I mean of course i want her to message me and tell me it will all be ok and we can be together. How we wanted way back when.

But before that i need to know we’re both over these heartbreaks. Which means at least a couple of months (but probably way more than that). And boy does that suck. It hurts knowing that.

What makes it worse is that i cant get over this pain if i keep thinking about her coming back. I know its over. And trying to keep that fresh in my mind is hard because it hurts so much more. 

Why does life, love, have to hurt so much? You see people that are so happy together all the time. I thought i had that. Truly i thought thats what me and (E) were set for. Was i wrong to think that?

I just wish i could push past this pain, kiss her, and go back to how it was. 

I wish i could make her happy. 

I wished she still loved me and was ready for this. 

More than anything I wish we could be happy together. 

Like I’ve already said. Maybe one day we will be. But for now i have to accept it’s not going to happen and try to heal this breaking heart. As impossible a task as that feels right now. I have to try right?! 

😥

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