Fervent denile…

Im in fervent denile. Inconsolable.

I keep waiting for the message that says it was all a mistake and that everythingd fine. Which is paradoxical because i know its not and would not accept a message as such, so soon.

The hardest bit right now is thinking about what i want to do with my free time now. I thought about going out. But everywhere i go I’ll be reminded of (E) – we either went there or planned to go there.

I thought about London, tried to look forward to it. But we were going to do something on my birthday. 

It’s horrible because right now all i want is to wake from this nightmare, and yet even if i did i dont think id believe it. 

I know its over. That this is it and it most likely wont ever end in us getting back together ever again. But i cant help but think that in a few months time maybe she’ll be in a better place. And we can try again. 

But i know, i know the chances of that happening are so minute, that i might as well look forward to winning the lottory.

I told her to let me know if she ever felt something for me in the future. Because id hate us to be the two friends that love each other but don’t say anything. She agreed. And promised she would.

But i dont think it will ever happen. 

I love (E) for so many reasons, but that aside,  i never thought I’d find someone who liked me, for me. She liked everything about me. My geekyness, my sensitivity, my personality, my body.

Do you know how much of a confidence boost that last one was?! I cant even begin to describe it.

I love everything about her. Literally every single little detail. And i genuinely thought that would be enough.

But it isnt. Why not? Why isn’t it enough?!

Im hurting, drowing in a sea of emotion i created for myself. With her help of course, but primarily it was me who let myself get carried away and fall in love. 

I honestly cannot see me letting myself love anyone else. Thats not some over-dramatic sentiment. I genuinely don’t think i can let myself love again. This is too painful. 

If by some miracle i can find love, it’ll be with her. Because i cant feel or think about anyone else this way. I don’t see how i could?! – i genuinely thought we’d have a proper go at things. 

Obviously i was wrong. But all those hopes, dreams. They’re still ij my head. Torturing me.

Because I still love her. Even though she doesn’t love me.

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