Feeling lost… again.

I dont know what to do.

I feel so lost. I dont feel as much pain as before because i think i saw it coming this time. Thats a lie. I think it’s the lack of shock that is helping this time.

I have to say, that (E) is quite simply the best person I’ve ever known. And i love her unconditionally. The fact that she can’t give me that back hurts.

What i cant live with is that i feel myself shutting off. Like i was before i started this blog. And the sad truth is i cant stop it. I dont want to.

I love (E), the only person I’ve ever truly loved. My posts the last few months obviously reflect that. But without her here, i dont know what to do. 

I know who i am. What i want to be. 

But i also know that i want to be with her. I’m still living in hope, denile maybe, that this is all just a blip and she’ll be back soon and things will work out. But i know, deep down, she wont be.

And that’s why my heart is breaking. I thought, believed we’d make a go of it. 

I thought we’d get back to where we were with time. I truly believed we would. And yet now? Now thats all gone. Hopes, dreams, wishes. Vanished.

I will always live in hope that once she’s over her heartbreak she’ll realise her love for me and come back so we can try again. But i also have to accept that might never happen. 

I don’t know how to balance those emotions. I need to get over this heartbreak because i cant live in pain. But I know i wont lose this love. And i can’t help but wish for a future for us both someway down the line.

We’ve cut contact now. But we have presents to swap. We agreed to leave it a while and I’d message her when i ready to meet up. 3 weeks should be enough time. But if not, i have to be strong. And hold off. 

I’ve lost track of ways to write down what i feel about her. But love. That word never changes. Its meaning stays the same. 

I’m going to miss (E) more than she’ll probably ever know.

And i want, so badly, to be her love. 

I suppose what hurts the most, is that i thought i could be for her what she is for me but i obviously cant be that (its her choice after all).

I love her. I’ll always love her. And i dont want to not love her.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s