Im laying in bed now. Calm. Like tonight never happened. I just had a conversation with my brother laughing about a game-world joke.
How weird the human mind is. I sit here now thinking about what happened at the restaurant and how i can beat it. And i come up blank.i truly don’t know what causes it. If i did, i could simply cut out that particular part and get on with my life like a normal person.
But i cant pinpoint it. And it’s infuriating.
I keep thinking about how i am around (E) and why it’s different? I’m nervous and anxious around her, yes. But it feels different, electric. Like im on edge, and emotions are pumping. And all of that in the best possible way. I can usually control it, until we kiss, and then its like turning the dial up to 10. It is, quite simply, the best feeling I’ve ever had with anyone in my life.
But it’s more than just when we kiss. When we’re together theres like a nervous buzz in the air, like we both kbow somethings going to happen, but we’re both trying to hold off as long as we can… Does that make sense?
Things are a little different now; since we’ve been taking things slower and steadier, we’ve tried harder to stop going to far. I think we’ve done really well so far to be honest. Except the messaging. We failed at that by messaging every day.
Anyway my point is, when im with (E) i dont feel the same kind of nervous/anxious feeling. I feel a level of anxiety that actually helps. It makes me feel uncomfortable in a way that makes me feel good. Argh. I dont know if im explaining this very well. But its a good thing, how i feel when im with her.
I just dont understand how i can feel so different when i feel anxious/nervous with my family.
I wonder if its because i feel more comfortable being me around (E) than i do my own family? It’s a sad truth, i suppose, but i genuinely feel like she understands me and my idiosyncratic ways more than my own family do.
I imagine that’s one of the many reasons why i love her so much. Why i get so anxious when we havent spoken. Why i worry and panic about losing her.
It’s funny how a family meal can make you see something like this.
Anyway, i rambled on a bit there. I probably said too much, too incoherently, to make much sense to anyone haha 😦
I wanted to share that i started to read a mathematical book. It’s only a ‘national geographic’ book on prime numbers, but im hoping it will help me brush up on some basic knowledge.
(E) has a love for mathematics and a course she’s just started is all about maths. So i want to be able to have something to say when we have a conversation about anything mathematical. I love to hear about her interests and when she’s passionate about something, there’s this little kick to her voice. Excitement. And i love it.
Anyway, i feat I’ve probably gone on about (E) far too much tonight. I should get some rest before hopefully seeing my friend, Leon, tomorrow – or, at the very least, write some more of my short story…
Goodnight all. 🙂