A side of Anxiety, please…

Ok. So i went out for a meal tonight for my brothers’ birthday. We went to a restaurant that serves roast dinners (i wont mention which one). The foods always nice enough but its not my favourite. In fact i always try to pick the least roast-like item from the menu.

Anyway that’s bedsides the point. The food was ok. Its the atmosphere and the company i had a problem with.

It sounds mean and whilst i really dont mean it too. I do not feel comfortable having a meal out in a busy place like that with my family. I get really anxious, really nervous and panicky and simply do not enjoy myself.

There was a moment when all 5 members of the family that came went for their food (mine was off the menu so it was brought out to me) and left me on my own at the table.

That was when it hit me. I started getting really nervous. Trying not to look around the room, yet feeling like everyone was looking at me. I dont know why i felt like that. It’s odd. So i started looking at my phone, trying to escape best i could. That didnt work either. 

So i sat there. Nerves hyped. For 10 minutes. Its was the longest, most horrific 10 minutes of my life to date.

Seriously. It was horrible. I managed to keep my feelings and nerves under wraps, and did not let on how i felt. But it was hard. My food came out, along with the drinks (just water for me thanks) and then my family started to return. 

All the while we were eating my nerves eased a little. But as i had almost half as much as everyone else, i finished earlier and therefore had less to busy myself with. And the nerves started back up again.

I love my brother very much so i tried my best to hide my nerves and carry on like nothing was wrong. I even had a discussion about star wars with him. Which evaporated all nervous feelings.

But, again, only temporarily. It’s odd. I don’t know if it’s this particular restaurant or my family, or both. But i always react like this when going there with them. It’s the only restaurant we all ever go to as a family so i cant really gather if its one or the other. 

I would hazard a guess that it’s my family because, on the two occasions I’ve been out to dinner with (E) i had no reaction like this at all. No anxiety. Not one bit. 

It’s strange to think that im anxious when out with family. Because, yesterday i went out with my brother and sister and felt relatively fine. 

I can’t pinpoint what makes me feel like that, but it’s a big reason why i stopped going out for meals with my family. It’s sounding rather mean, but i feel silly talking to them about it, because i know they wont understand. I tried before and got met with accusing remarks like “you’ve never been like this before” – not understanding i hide it a lot.

So, instead of talk to them about it, i make my excuses and feel bad when they resent me not going. But what else am i to do? I went this time because i felt i had to – for my brother. But, when it makes me feel like that, i really wish i was stronger.
God i hate being like this. 

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