So, that surprise I’m working on? I’m about 75% done. And I cannot wait to see the finished product!
Until then, I’ve been trying to steady my mind, and the best way to do that seems to be to allow my mind to flow into the written word. Poetry.
I love poems. I love reading them, but I truly love writing them.
The poems I write won’t win me any awards, nor will they bring me acclaim. But they’re from my heart and mind. Written about, or at, the very target of my affection.
I miss her when we don’t talk or see each other. I miss her when I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night.
Does that make me crazy? To be so head over heels in love with another person? A person who so fantastically gets me, who understands my failings, and appreciates them in the way I appreciate hers?! I don’t know if it’s crazy or stupid. Or both.
Either way, I know I’m in too deep to pull away. And I don’t want to.
I thought about it, back when it all started, but I went for it anyway. I fought back my fears and went with it. I never thought I’d fall in love. Ever.
I never thought we’d go through that blip over Christmas and new years. I never thought we’d come through it and learn more about each other than ever before. I never thought we’d understand each other like this either.
But all this has happened. And I sit here worrying, still, that things will fall apart at a moments notice. I’m an idiot.
Truly I am.
I’m so focused on the negative, even though I try not to be, that I cannot see the positive right in front of me. This love is special to me. So I need to enjoy it more than I have been.
Fear is a potent poison for happiness. So is overthinking.
I suffer, profusely, from both.
But if I let them, these fears will cripple me and any chance I stand with (E).
Yes, we’re moving steady and slow. Yes, that is a hard thing to do. But is it worth it if it leads us both to a happy life? You bet your last £ it is!
So, as of this moment, I’m forcing myself to be more positive. I’m going to be nervous, cautious, clumsy, fearful, and downright scared of loss. But that’s me. That’s who I am!
If (E) can see and appreciate those traits, why shouldn’t I?
I have to trust myself but, more importantly, I have to trust (E). I do trust her, but I have to make sure any negativity that seeps into my thoughts makes its way swiftly out and does not momentarily make me question anything.
Anyway, I’ve felt like writing a lot today. Unusual for me to write this many posts in one day I know, but this is still the best way for me to clear my head!
I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow, and when that’s done I intend to shave this ever-growing beard off. I’ll feel fresh and hopefully like a new man! Then I aim to finish this little surprise project off and get it made up. I’m extremely excited to see what the finished result looks like!