Selfless or selfish? 

Isn’t that a hard question?

I dont think im very selfish. In fact im pretty sure im selfless. To a fault

I’m always doing things for other people, always trying to make other people happy. Because my conscience plays up if I dont.

Example: I buy some food. My brother asks for some. I say no. He says something mean. I feel bad. I share.

Example: my mum moaned at me last night for saying i wanted to go out alone today. I feel bad. Because she made me feel bad.

In the former example, that’s something small, i can always buy more food.

In the latter? I realised recently that i dont get enough time to myself. If im not at work, im at home. And its suffocating. (E) opened my eyes to that – whether she meant to or not.

So now i have a taste for spending some time with myself. Not all the time. But, days like today, where i can just go out, look at books, films, things i like, i feel it helps me organise my thoughts, like a soft reset. 

I shouldn’t feel bad for wanting some time to myself, everyone else in my family gets some.. I seem to be the only one without my own space. 

So, when my mum trys to playfully wind me up about spending more and more time alone, it hurts. It makes me feel bad. But ultimately i need it. I know i need to reflect on my own thoughts. And i cant do that when i feel suffocated in my own home.

I suppose the easy answer would be to move out. But i cannot afford that.

So, i sit here and stew.

This has no impact on (E) because i feel like i can open up to her, nerves and all, and yet i feel like im relaxed around her (relaxed and nervous at the same time. It’s a weird feeling – in the best way). 

At home I never feel like that. I feel like im always trying to avoid an argument (or listening to one). Dammit i need my London break already!

Basically i feel like im suffocating here at home, and getting out is a great way to, hopefully, cure that ill..

If it makes me feel bad that my mum was annoyed that i wanted to go by myself? So be it. I’ll have to be selfish with my home life for once and do something for myself. So off i go. Book shopping ❤

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