I’ve been busy today.
I’ve recently moved to a new area and had to change doctors. That was interesting. The feeling of having your blood pressure taken is always an odd one! Although i imagine less odd when it comes back ‘normal’ – phew.
I’d been honest on the form and said id been feeling down recently. It’s nothing I’m worried about but it doesn’t hurt to have my doctor know that in case I go to see him/her about any anxiety in the future.
Afterwards, I walked through the high-street. I popped into the local drinks merchant and perused their stock. I think I’ve found somewhere local to get the random spirits for my cocktail blog!
I then continued down the high-street, checking out the local delicatessen and florist. Both of which are quaint.
But, throughout all of that, there was one thought on my mind. And her name is (E). Looking through the deli, thoughts were mainly about what recipes i could use the various jams in. Then I saw some fancy custard creams on my way out and i remebered something she’d shared with me yesterday. Smiling as I left.
In the florist i saw the cacophony of coloured roses. They had huge juicy red roses, bright Dutch orange, cute little pink ones and the modt eye-catching: white roses with purple tips… All of which were totally eye-catching!
I smiled as i walked back home.
I was with my family, and we walked back past the esplanade. The storms of the past week have calmed so they allowed people on it. They shut barriers to stop people going down to the beach during bad weather.
The sea was right in. The wall and steps once leading to a golden sand beach, now led only to a watery end.
It was beautiful in its own eerie way.
The sound of the waves lapping gently against the concrete, the sight of the deep blue sky reflecting of the unbroken surf; it was picture perfect…
And yet, all that was going through my mind? (E) would love this site.
I’m not down today. In fact, id go as far as to say I’m upbeat and happy.
Me and (E) had another deep talk last night. I always feel a wave of relief after them, but this time it was different.
In my last post i mentioned soeaking with my friend about my fears?
Well, whilst I can’t say they’re completely gone, i can say with confidence that im aware of them, and can now deal with them a lot easier than before…
I have struggled to keep reign of the negativity in my thought process, but here i am, having gone the better part of a whole day without speaking with (E) and I’ve not had one negative thought stick. I’ve kept them at bay with simple positive thoughts on the truth of my situation… She loves me. She’s here for me. She’s amazing.
That sort of positive thought, used to combat the negative, is my new form of attack. And it works brilliantly. Thus far.
It’s difficult. Very much so. It’s really hard not to message her but I’ve held off and not felt bad for doing so. It’s not been without incident mind you; I’ve found myself writing messages to my friends, and accidentally putting emojis in that I’d only use for her. Luckily I’ve not sent one yet – a small embarrssment avoided! So far at least, haha.
I find it funny how my mind works. I see the message, think about how silly i am, then smile at the thought of (E) as i realise I thought I was messaging her, and then delete the mistake.
I find it funny because it is a funny thing to find yourself doing.
But it’s better than feeling down about not being able to message her. It surely shows my mind is responding well to my positive thought process.
Im not naive enough to think I’m never going to have a bad day again, but i think i am in a much better place to combat any negativity on those bad days.
And that makes me smile greatly.
Not as much as picturing (E)’s face smiling does, mind you. A thought I’m having right now as i finish this post…
Hating to Love 