Today I find myself in an odd cacophony of feelings.
I feel love, fear, self-doubt, and happiness. It’s odd.
I did spend most of yesterday in a great mood though. I’d spoken to an old uni friend the day before and felt much better afterwards…
We spoke about the insecurities I have; how i feel like im not good enough for (E), and how i keep thinking that she’s going to leave me. It’s hard. It sometimes just takes one, little, negative thought and I spiral.
But he told me it was natural to have insecurities in the beginnings of a relationship. Especially when you truly care/love that person.
He told me how he’d had to go through a similar issue when starting out with his current partner (recently married).
I was shocked because I’d never thought of him being like that before. He told me how he found it hard to stay calm and not get carried away with his feelings – like the situation I’m in now.
It was eye-opening to say the least.
He told me that i need to stop dwelling on those negative feelings and actually see the truth of the situation: (E)’s with you because she wants to be with you. She’s told you so.
And (E) has told me she loves me, that she’s not going anywhere, that she believes we will get back to how we were in time. Together.
And seeing those words, when (E) messaged them to me, both melted my heart and made me feel safe, secure, and protected.
So why do I still spiral some days? Why do those negative thoughts take hold? Why can I not strike them from my mind? I i know it’s not because I don’t believe her – I know she’s telling me the truth and that everything she says to me, she wants – i believe her whole-heartedly.
She wants to be back where we were and us taking things slow like we are is the best way to get there. We both agreed on this.
I think it might be my sense of self worth. I find it hard to see what she sees. Even though i know she means it all, that little voice that at says ‘nope, you’re not that at all mate’ can sometimes be deafening…
After my talk with my uni friend, i felt like a new man. I realised that my fears are not abnormal. I realised that pushing passed them is something i need to do to make this truly work with (E) but most of all i realised that by taking things slow I’m allowing myself the time and space to come to terms with these fears and actually deal with them.
More importantly, if im doing that, she can do the same too.
I dont know why i didnt see that before to be honest. And now i know im not some weirdo, that my confident friend from uni suffered the way i am now? That voice is softer, easier to deal with, like it’s realised the same truth and has sshh’d its harsh voice…
By knowing that, and having that possitive attitude, I’ve gone a long way to dealing with those negative thoughts before they can snowball into larger issues that are much harder to deal with…
And if i combine that positive attitude with the knowledge that (E) will always be there for me, i know I’ll be alright!
Thats my new outlook on it all now. I will fight to keep it going too. Because I want to be there with (E) when this hits the highs we both know it can reach. I love (E) and cant wait to be able to say it to her once more!
In other news, i have a week off coming up, where i have planned to get some bulk of my short story done, maybe even see another old friend in Rochester, and actually enjoy the break from work I seriously need! If I’m really lucky I’ll also get to see (E) too…
So, i plan to keep this positive attitude going, move into my week off and progress the hell out of my life!