That long lost feeling…

So, I’m trying to keep calm. 

It’s been a turbulent couple of weeks. Painful but eye opening. 

I’ve realised and learned some hard truths… I’ve gained some self appreciation. I’ve also found that I now understand (E) better.Which is probably the best thing to come out of all this. 

But most of all, I think I love her more than ever before. She opened up to me and we cleared the issue (s) bothering her and it seems to have cleared the air a little. It’s allowed us to work ourselves back onto the same page – something I’ve wanted since this all began.

She wanted to see me tonight. She came down to me after work. I didn’t know what to expect. I was nervous. Sick to my stomach. Worried that the spark we had would be dampened. And it would all fall apart.  

It was awkward at first. We were both very nervous. Extremely nervous. 

But we walked. And I tried to break that awkwardness by asking her about her day, her work, and herself.

Eventually we kind of broke into what had happened. I tried not to dwell on it but at the same time we shouldn’t ignore it. 

We spoke. We walked. And then, she asked if we could hold hands. Her look? Adorable. And I held back a tear…

“If you’re ok to do so? Then yes. I’d like that” I replied.

And then it happened. Our hands touched. And that feeling.  Of her skin on mine. It was amazing. Here we were, after this torturous week (for us both), holding hands by the beach.

I didn’t get over excited, and didn’t get carried away. We just held hands and spoke. 

It was nice and pleasant and exactly what we needed. 

We walked back to her car, and sat there to warm up  (she’d come straight from work and was not dressed for the cold weather – bless her heart)…

I could smell her. In the car, without the wind to wash it away, and it was intoxicating. I stumbled, the words I saw in my head changed form… like I was no longer able to read their language. My words flew out of my mouth like bees fleeing a smoking hive. Confused and chaotic. I got annoyed at myself. Because I knew I wanted to say something but the words felt foreign.

So I gave up. I hope she understands. She told me she thought it was cute. I don’t see it. But I’m over the moon that she likes me like this. Like I truly am. 

She asked me if we were allowed to kiss. And I almost talked her out of it. But I wanted her to be sure it’s what she wanted. I didn’t want her to do it and later regret it. She said she wouldn’t regret it, and she wanted to. 

So, there is was shivering with nerves once more. It felt like the first night we went out again. All those emotions swirling about. The kiss itself, the taste of her lips, the smell of her breath when we parted. The little headbut we do after we part. Our hands, usually keeping the others’ busy seemed to freeze when we kiss. 

It was magical. And in that moment everything was right. Perfect. 

We slowed. We were more gentle than we use to be, and I tried to get the words out again. This time I got frustrated and that, combined with us kissing, made me a little emotional. I held back the tears. I didn’t want her to cry too. But I have missed her. So much. 

I’m under no illusions that things will go back to how they were. In fact I’m sure we’re are a long way off that. But this is a huge step in the right direction…

A direction that leads to us both being happy together. And, truthfully I don’t care how long that takes. Because i have tonight to remember.

The night she told me she missed me. And then she kissed me. 

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