I used to think about that feeling. Now, not so much…
I’ve met someone recently who changed my life. For the better. She walked right down the aisle where I worked and just blew the lid off of everything. My walls came crashing down the first time we hugged, and the bricks, lying around my heart were turned to dust the minute our lips connected that very first time.
From then on, she has boosted my confidence, she has built me up into a person I felt proud to be. She has literally turned everything I’d started to think about my life upside down. And believe me when I say that’s a good thing!
I had thought, no I had conceded to the fact that I was not going to meet anyone I could love. Hell, anyone I could like and like me back would have been a miracle.
I’d jut about got set in those ways when, through the ovens separating me from the rest of my department, I saw her. Light brown hair, stripey red and white jumper, rose-red cheeks. Just walking down that shop aisle. I looked at her, waved, she waved back. And for a second I forgot where I was. I smiled without realising I smiled. It was nice to see her. It had been a long time and it was nice to see her well.
I was happy to see her. But as instantly as she left my line of sight the panic set in. I wanted her to know I said hello, and saw her. And, whilst she did wave back, I worried that it wasn’t at me. I knew she didn’t know anyone else near me. But that’s the funny thing about overthinking with a lack of confidence. You make things up and you panic when the worst case scenario even threatens to hit your mind… I went to find her to make sure she knew I’d seen her. The rest? Well, you know the rest…
I stopped caring about my safe little bubble that day. I pushed myself to speak to her again. And I pushed myself to ask for a date, that hug, the kiss, the ‘I Love You’…
I find it odd when I think back to how thing went, it feels like a lifetime ago, and yet, it was just a little over 2 months back. Things moved fast. Probably way too fast for either of us, but we got carried away and swept downstream. The thing is, I know I love her. And I know she loves me.
And right now, that’s enough. To know someone out there loves me? That’s the only feeling I need to keep me going, to keep me from spiralling back into a person who would bottle up my feelings.
I’m not strong. I’m weak. I fight as much as I can to stay ahead of my past. And just as I was worried I’d fall back into an old trait, along comes this love. This love has raised me up to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I truly never thought I’d feel this way about anyone. And I never thought anyone would feel this way about me.
I don’t know what love means to other people; what it means to you reading this blog, but to me, it means sticking with the person you love no matter what. If they’re finding things difficult, it means being there for them. Letting them know they’re not alone.
It sounds silly to speak/type these words, but I scarily mean every one of them.
And it is scary. Scary that I can even feel this much. Scary in a good way. Scary in a way that makes me panic when things go wrong. Scary in a way that makes me want to hold on for dear life for fear of losing it.
But ultimately, when that fear subsides, I feel pride. Pride in that the person I love, the one person who can make me smile more than anyone else in this world, finally opened up to me. Through all her fear. And I’m so happy for her.
I imagine one day she’ll get round to reading this, and feel totally embarrassed but you know what? I’m proud of you!
Now accept this love and let it help you grow into the person we both know you can be!
After all, a weight shared is a weight lifted…