Poisoned Memories Part 4…

I went round to hers that Sunday and saw the cute placement of the roses and kittens toy. I also had a plan for her.

A cute little treasure hunt so to speak. I took with me 4 origami cranes. Each one had with it a clue to the location of the next one. And the last one leading you up to her room. Where I waited to make her the 5th one. She loved it. Thought it was fantastic. Sweet. I even showed her how to make one there and then.

We kissed, cuddled, watched TV and talked. We ate dinner and retired to her room for more of the above. It was amazing – just talking to her, learning about her.

The next time we saw each other at her house, the following Sunday,  I took my favourite film over. Grosse Pointe Blank. We never watched it all. Oops. But it was a great night. One I remember being more nervous about at the end of.

The Tuesday after that, we met outside my house and went to where I was moving. To look around. We saw my new house, went for a walk up Westgate sea front before seeing a film called Sully at a great local small cinema.

Afterwards, we went for a drive around to what I’d hoped was a well lit public gardens. It wasn’t so we ended up going for a hot chocolate. And talk for about 2 hours.  Just sitting there, talking.. neither of us bored.  Just interested in each others company.

We sat in her car that night, kissing to some romantic music. One for which was our song James Arthur’s ‘say you won’t let go’.

It came on a fair few times and we both decided to turn it off. Because we were both nearly crying. So happy.

We said we loved each other and she drove home.

The following Sunday we went to dreamland. In Margate. Just for the one ride. The Scenic Railway. We both went on it thinking it was going to be gentle. And were both very shocked when it turned into a rather bumpy roller coaster… at least we both laughed about it afterwards!

After we did that we went for a walk to the Turner contemporary art gallery where we both had a blast poking fun at some of the paintings. They were pretty poor.  When we left we went for cake at the cupcake cafe. A cute little shop, we had cake and tea and chatted whilst we sat. When we left we went back to her house, only this time she’d asked me to stay. I did.

And it was the best moment of the relationship to date.

I’d paid for the dreamland, and the cake. But I’d also brought with me her birthday presents and card I’d made her a Jewellry/keepsake box, decoplaged it with some pink and white parrot printed paper and doubled that up with a writing set and Planet Earth 2 on BluRay. All the items were inexpensive, but they were deeply personal. It had taken me the better part of 2 weeks to make that box. The card itself was difficult and the other items were merely inexpensive items I picked up because I knew she’d love them. She did.

As for staying over, not only did I finally feel at ease enough to get some decent sleep. We had our best night together yet. It was mind blowing.  For us both. When she drove me home the next day, I had to stop myself from crying. So did she. It was an emotional couple of days.
When we met Tuesday we agreed to swap xmas presents, but as neither of ours were ready, she simply gave me my one to open on the day and one from her parents (see previous posts for details).

On that tuesday we walked. I took her to the sunken gardens, a place that was somehow deeply romantic, even in the depth of winter, and we walked through, me showing her where we would have danced had there been any light. “Maybe in the spring, when the flowers are blooming?” I said. “that would be nice”, she said with that cute little smile.

We walked into the town and had tea in a quaint little cafe before heading back out to sit in her car and chat (and kiss). After a while I asked if she was hungry, and we got some chips. After eating them we went back to my house, and watched Die Hard on my brothers laptop. We were in my parents room for piece and quiet so I think we were both a little nervous as nothing could happen other than a kiss and hand holding. But we had a nice enough time, talking, kissing and, yes, hand holding.

I showed her around the tiny house, my room, including my degree and even the shoe box I have with all out mementos in it (Tickets, reciepts, letters etc…) and then i walked her out to her car. She handed me the present from her and her parents, told me there was a letter i the card not to be opened until christmas day. We kissed, passionately and then we said goodnight. Along with the shiver-inducing, mutual “I Love You” …

And that was the last I ever saw of her. To this date.

It was the Friday/Saturday that she told me she needed space and that things were moving too fast. The moment my world fell apart. Everything I’d come to think about our relationship was brought into question. My heart started to break. It’s still breaking now. More than a week on.

Since then I have gotten the truth out of her. Or at least a more detailed truth. Things were moving too fast for her, but she is scared. Scared that being with me was only because I covered up her heartbreak from the relationship before me.

A fact which hurts. But she has since said that if she is with me, she wants it to be because she wants to be with me and not because it covers her pain.

A sentiment I can utterly understand. But, I am happy that our love covered up the pain. It meant we were doing something right.

She has to deal with the heartbreak. I get that. But I love her. And I don’t want her to leave. She needs space, and I’ll happily give her that space. But I want her to come back to me. I hope she does. And I need to have faith in our love being as worthwhile for her, as it is for me. And I do have that faith. It’s just hard waking up every day knowing I cannot message her a good morning message and let her know I’m thinking of her.

I will message her time to time. To let her know I’m thinking of her. In the hope that she has enough space to deal with her issues, but knows that I’m here for her when she’s done just that. Every day it’s a new battle to push past the pain and find that resolve. Every day I’ll do it. Without fail. Because I love her. And always will.

I Love You Emma. More than you’ll ever know. More than life itself. You make me happier than I’ve ever been, you make me feel like I’m the only person who matters in this world. You make me feel better than I know I am.

Not only that but when we’re together? I feel like we’re in our own little bubble. No one else matters. All I want is to see you happy. And smile that smile all day long…

I truly hope, wish, that some day I can be that person for you once again!


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