I sit here. Awake and upset.
Because my mind is cruel.
The other night I dreamt I’d gone around her house. For new years – like we’d planned.
It was great. Like nothing had happened. And then I woke up. Crying. My body knew it wasn’t real. Even if I wanted it so bad I dreamt it.
To make it worse, last night I dreamt I was with her. And woke up during the point where we kissed. I woke up still kissing. And when I realised where I was I burst into tears.
Why is my brain doing this to me?
It’s hard enough knowing I can’t tell her how I feel anymore, and that she might never feel the same about me again. But now I’m dreaming of her?!
What does that achieve? Other than more heartbreak and pain?
We spoke last night. That’s probably what set the dream off I suppose.
She asked how I was and I told her I was upset. She said she was too.
We both agreed it was because I was meant to go to hers for new years…
I said how I’d thought she would turn up at my house anyway and come get me. That I thought I saw her car pull up only to realise it wasn’t her.
She said she genuinely thought about coming and getting me.
It’s weird because it’s nice to know she’s upset too. But with every day that goes by, I worry more and more that she won’t come back to me.
I’m scared. That’s the truth. I’m scared I’ve lost her. And that makes me feel so lost and alone.
And I don’t know how to deal with all this pain and emotion.
I just wanted to be happy with her. Is that so bad? Is that wrong to want?
Why did I go through the past, difficult, 18 months of my life if this is the end result? A few amazing months of exactly what I wanted from life. Only to have it torn away from me, leaving me worse off than I was 18 months ago?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want her to fall out of love and go elsewhere. I want her to realise she does love me and come back to me.
I say to myself to trust and have faith that if it’s meant to be it’ll be. But that’s a load of horseshit to make me feel better. And it’s not working.
Because all I do is cry or feel sad. And I can feel myself turning inwards. Shying away once more. And I don’t know if I can stop that.