Poisoned Memories Part 3…

So, I’d met her parents and she’d left her course. She didn’t know what to do with her life but I tried to help her stay calm about it all. It worked. She went and got a Christmas temp job and had something to fill her days a little more…

When we met up on the Sunday 27th. She picked me up and we went straight to her house. We sat and watched a couple episodes of Castle in her bedroom before dinner, kissed a bit and then ate.

After watching Strictly again, and having a rather hilarious chat with her mother about whether I liked her the first time I met her (I trained her to do my job a couple years ago), we went to her room and watched Guardians of the Galaxy. Which I thought she’d like. And she did, in fact, enjoy it! We kissed, laid and talked some more. And, although it sounds very similar to what we did the previous Sunday, it felt different. Very different.

At the end of that night. After we had laid there for a while cuddling. She whispered something to me I’ll never forget…

“I want to tell you something but I don’t know if it’s too soon”

I sat there looked in her eyes and knew what she wanted to say.

“Then don’t say it yet,” I said to her. “You don’t have to say it if you’re not sure”…

I panicked in that moment. I thought if she said those three words. It would all end. So it stopped her.

I spent the next week talking to her every day. Just like before. Only my mind was going crazy. I had to make sure I loved her before I said anything to her. I didn’t want to lie but I know this was not just lust.

It took me the best part of the week to sift through how she made me feel when I was with her. What I felt when she was not with me. And everything in between. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic. But the truth is I already knew I loved her. I think I knew the minute I saw her back when I saw her when we bumped into each other at my work. When she was with her mum and blushed terribly when I said hello to her. In that moment. When I saw her turn and look at me. Something happened inside of me. Something in my heart shouted so loud it almost hurt! “ASK HER! ASK HER OUT! SHE’S SPECIAL!”

The problem was, I didn’t realise what it meant because it was instantly muffled under fear and insecurity.

It took a little while for me to feel confident enough to think it out loud. And sifting through all the things that happened? That gave me the courage to say it to her face.

And not be scared of the outcome. Because I think I knew she loved me too.

The next time we met, she took me out. She took me out. She said she wanted to take me for a meal and a film. Up to this point, we’d shared payment or at least took it in turns. I was not comfortable with this but she insisted she wanted to. I accepted under the deal that I would be allowed to return the generosity at a later date.

When we met up, I’d gone out and spent the money I would’ve used that night, on some little things for her. She’d mentioned the weekend before that she had always wanted a white cat. So I found a stuffed toy of a small white kitten. I wrapped it up in black tissue paper, tied the top shut with a bow and bagged it ready for her.

I also bought two (2) cute, little, pink roses and had them wrapped.

I gifted her them when we met. And placed them in the back of her car for later.

We went to ASK (Italian restaurant) where we enjoyed a prosecco and elderflower liqueur cocktail and ate our meals. We both had the sorbet for dessert. And it was lovely.

I remember looking at her, whilst playing with my glass so she didn’t catch me, and I saw her, looking around inquisitively. Taking it all in. I’ll remember what I saw that night for the rest of my life: Her. In all her glory, beautiful, calm, serene. She truly was a picture of perfection personified.

She caught me and smiled, whispering “what?” to which I simply answered “you” and smiled at her. We both blushed. She’s more apparent than mine. But she just looked cuter when she went bashful.

I let the moment linger for a while and then we talked some more. About her family, about mine. About her Christmases, about my life.

When the time came to leave she paid, and we left to walk over to the cinema. We had tickets to go see ‘Fantastic Beasts’ at 8 pm. So that’s exactly what we did.

And it was pretty good. Dark, but good. Through the entire film, we held hands. Gently caressing each other. She shivered occasionally. I thought it was her being uncomfortable, or a nervous reaction. Turns out it was the latter. But it was because she was nervous around me because she wanted me to kiss her. I excited her by just being near her. Needless to say, that was a two-way street. The shivers became another thing that was cute about her.

After the film, we left and went to her car. We kissed and then she drove me home. We spoke for a bit at the end of my road and We kissed a lot.

A little way in. I decided to take that leap. And pulled back from her. “I have something I want to say to you, but I’m nervous about saying it,” I said.

She smiled, she knew what was coming. And told me “ok”…

I stumbled, staggered, and “erm’d” my way through the next 5 minutes. She smiled the whole way through. After what felt like an age. I looked at her. And simply said. “I Love You Emma”… She smiled, kissed me, and whispered: “I Love You too Dan”.

I smiled, held back the tear in my eye, and kissed her again. That was a wonderful moment. Tell her I loved her. And her saying it back to me.

She loved the White Kitten. She got the reference and thought it was sweet.

When I went to her house on the Sunday after, the pink roses were in a bottle in her room, and next to it was her White Kitten. That Sunday I took her an Origami Crane I’d learnt to make. As a little inexpensive gift for her…

Part 4, the sad and final part of these memories will be along either tomorrow or Tuesday. I love Emma. But for some reason, things have not worked out how I’d hoped. They were going so well, I have to hope that she can find herself and really dive into this love with me. But I won’t ever know until she’s ready. And I’m so scared that I’ll never get to spend another moment, like those in these posts, with her. I desperately want her to appear at my door. And kiss me and tell me she’s sorry but she knows she loves me and want’s to make a go of it… I doubt that will ever happen. But I have faith that one day she’ll realise she loves me. And that I’ll be ready for that day. To welcome her with open arms. And then we can continue these memories and create new ones.

If that doesn’t happen, I’ll have to live with the ones I have and in the knowledge that they are all I will ever have. Because I cannot love anyone else like I love her.

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