New Years Promise to myself…

I hate new years resolutions because they’re things to make us feel better at the time. Hardly any are kept…

And with good reason. Losing weight, write more, be nicer, the list is endless.

I’ve never bothered with one, purely because of the fact that I know I would not keep
But this year I want to try to set myself one. An important one.

I always aim for perfection. And when something isn’t perfect it annoys me. And I get angry at myself. I’m not a violent person. I’ve said before, I’m very much the opposite. I get emotional and cry when I get angry. I’ve seen what violence due to anger can lead to through friends and family. I never wanted to be that. And, thankfully I’m not.

But I cry. It’s not the most masculine thing to do. But I don’t care. I cry because it gets the anger out of me in a less-damaging way.

Anger hurts me. Like a cut on your arm after a fall. You cry if you feel too much pain. Whether it be physical or emotional. I’ve cried more than most people would in a lifetime this week. It’s been a horrible end to what was heading towards being a great year.

I have some great memories from the past year. Especially if I look back at the increase in my confidence from this time last year.

But that’s all changing. My Heart was broken. In the most sucker-punch of ways. Through no real blame of the person doing the breaking. She didn’t mean it. But that doesn’t make me feel better in myself. It did yesterday, but that’s because we were talking yesterday.

Today neither of us have messaged each other that much. We agreed a little more space emotionally was needed. For both of us. To deal with our issues.

I know that all I have to deal with, primarily, is the Pain from my breaking heart. But I also have my love. My love is not dwindling. Rather, it’s increasing. And I don’t understand why. It’s not fair. But I can’t seem to stop it.

I have, however, decided to change my mind frame. Now I know what’s wrong on her end. I have to have faith in my love. Faith in that it is indeed true. And then I have to have faith that hers is also true. If both are true, as I hope they are, then this will be an interlude to something amazing. If I’m wrong and I have a fool’s hope? Then I’m in for a rougher ride going forward. But I know I’m in love with this girl. As heartbreaking as it is. And I need to believe that there is more to it than just the past few months.

So, to help myself come to terms with my anger (at myself) for failing at things in life. I’ve decided that my hunt for perfection is self-destructive.

So, this year, I want to try and break that habit.

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, but it’s also biased and unrealistic… One person perfect might not be quite good enough for someone else. We are all our own person when all is said and done.

So, my resolution is simply to have this mindset:
“Progress. Not Perfection.”

It’s simple to employ but difficult to maintain…

I need to stop being so negative on myself when I’m not where I want to be. I can only do my best. And to understand that doing so is progress.
Whether it’s my writing, my job my love-life, or simply in myself; if I can do my best? Then I can be proud of myself. No matter what happens.
Defeat is a negative word. Learning how not to do something is a constructive view. I want to try and employ that method to my thinking. It will be hard. Because I’m very hard on myself. But I think if I can stay strong and employ that mindset successfully. I shall improve in my own mind. I will have better control over my emotions and hopefully be able to become a better person.
This I feel is a good step forward. I will continue to Love the girl who has broken my heart. Because I genuinely want there to be a future for us both. I hope that she’s still in love with me, somewhere. And not pulling away for good. I hope that, with time, she will come back and we can move forward together. And continue on with our amazing relationship.
But I can only do my best. And hope. If things do not work out like that, I will carry this love to my grave. Ever in hope that one day she’ll remember her love for me.
Ever in hope that this love, will always be true!

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