An ending before time …

So, what can I say…

After the hardest, most painful week of my life. I’m now single again. 

And it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. Because I still love her more than ever.

I found peace in knowing the truth at least.

She’s still heartbroken from her last relationship and whilst I made her feel amazing and covered that pain. That’s all I did. Cover it. She said she truly did love me. And I believe her. 

But she said that if she’s with me she wants to be with me just because it makes her feel in love. And not because it also covers her pain. 

I can’t argue with that. I want her in my life. I want her to love me like I love her. But I do not want her to be in a relationship with me if she doesn’t feel fully committed to it. 

I get that she’ll never be fully open. She’s been hurt and is somewhat closed off. But by telling me these things she’s opening up. Even if she doesn’t realise it. And that makes me love her even more.

Which makes me cry again. Because every time I think of that love and how much I can’t say anything – it hurts as much as it did before.

I live in hope that she can get past her heartbreak and find her way back to me. But I worry that it will take her elsewhere. I suppose theres no guarantee of anything in this life. But I have to believe she’ll come back. 

I will never love anyone like i love her. And I don’t want to. Because she made me feel like I was better than I am. Like I was a hero. I’ll never have someone else that can make me feel like that. 

I know some of you will say things like “yeah you will. You might meet someone better” but I can tell you, unreservedly, that she is the one. She always will be my one true love. I’m not in denial. I’m being brutally honest with myself. 

That’s not a healthy thing to admit I don’t think. But it’s the truth. It’s what I feel, and know, to be true. 

This is a painful road. I thought I was done crying. Turns out I postponed it with some time with my family. Maybe I should bury my head in a film or something. 

Play a game. Write something. 

It’s the little times like this, when I’m left with my thoughts. A floodgates opens. And all those emotions attack me at once. 

And I sit here and find myself typing ‘I love you’. Only to realise and delete it. She needs space. I need space. I know I have to trust and have faith that if the love is strong enough, things will work out. I also have to try and accept that maybe the love might not be meant to be. I hope it’s the former. But I should at least prepare for the latter.

It’s just so hard to deal with an overwhelming love that has too be bottled like this. It’s so painful.

And every second of every day I want to close my eyes hard so that when I open them the life I hope for is here. With her. And not alone without her…

I’m going to go have a shower. And try to wash this depressive state off. I’m trying to be there for her and help her through it if I can. I want her to realise how impressive and fantastic she is. I know that’s a dangerous path to tread. Full of pitfalls and sheer cliffs. But I don’t know how else to be.

Because I want to help her. Maybe I can’t. Maybe if I walk away she’ll follow me. But the hardest thing in this world is to walkeep and way from someone you love. Without knowing if they’ll follow you or not…

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that. I hope, if that time comes. That I am.

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