I’ve been afraid of being too hopeful.
In the past hopeful feelings have just let me down. Big time.
So I feel I may have gone into this ‘break’ a little too down on myself.
I’m heartbroken – I really am. Yet he more positive I try to be, or try to think. The more my brain/heart is fighting back.
It’s running me into the ground.
I’m tying so hard to just be hopeful that this is not the ending I’m dreading, but that it turns out to be her way of creating distance to try and calm things down.
If it’s the latter, and I’m really starting to hope it is, it means she still likes me and just wants to take a step back.
And it’s probably a good move forward for us both.
I hope that I’ve not already messed things up with my bombardment of messages to he first message. I did apologise and she said not to worry.
But I can’t stop my mind working over time. I also can’t shake the rush of ladybirds/butterflies I get when I see her name, or picture, or simply her coat/car lookalikes out in public…
I don’t want to stop them, but it’s like looking at something you’re trying not to think about. You can’t help but feel those feelings.
Calming things down, slowing them down, going back to dating a couple times a week… it all sounds like a great move.
But I still have that fear of her leaving me and me having to deal with those horrible feelings. All over again.
It’s a fine line to walk. And I sit here, with the letter she wrote me for Christmas (yes I read it – so sue me) with less of a frown on my face and a little more hope in my heart.
At least right now I do anyway!
I have no idea how I’ll feel in an hour, nor if I’ll fall apart again when I get home and realise I can’t message her.
I just have to try and keep hope that she does still love me and is just trying to calm her own feelings. ..
On a weird note. I’ve not messaged her since yesterday morning. It feels like torture, knowing she’s just a few taps away, but knowing also that I shouldn’t go through with it…
Argh. How I wish for things to be like they were before all this!